


Elias Bouchard Hate Group

by StarReads



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Bisexual Sasha James, Canon Asexual Character, Canon-Typical Worms (The Magnus Archives), Elias gets bullied as he deserves, Everything Is Alright, F/F, F/M, Fear Entity Avatar Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Fun Work Environment, Gen, Georgie Barker Is The Best Friend, Gerard Keay Lives, M/M, Martin K. Blackwood Sets Stuff On Fire, Multi, No Angst, Platonic Flirting turned Actual Flirting, Polyamory, Spiral Avatar Sasha James, The Admiral Is Baby, Trans Martin Blackwood, Web Avatar Martin Blackwood, Woops All LGBT, alcohol mention, drinking mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarReads/pseuds/StarReads
Summary: In which a collection of all the crerpiest monsters and the archives gang form a Fuck Elias Bouchard group. And also fall in love with each other. How unfortunate.
Relationships: Basira Hussain/Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Gerard Keay/Michael | The Distortion, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Jude Perry/ Jane Prentiss, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Sasha James, Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker, Oliver Banks/Graham Folger, Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 332
Kudos: 533





	1. No Fire Starters In The Archives, Martin!

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [claimed by gods(?) gang gang](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393751) by [EyeMug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeMug/pseuds/EyeMug). 
  * Inspired by [Gerry, Please Stop Juuling In The Archives](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25663708) by [threefuckerstrytowrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/threefuckerstrytowrite/pseuds/threefuckerstrytowrite). 
  * Inspired by [we should ride this wave to shore](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754480) by [ClarionGlass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClarionGlass/pseuds/ClarionGlass). 



> CW FOR CHAPTER 1: ALCOHOL MENTION, FIRE MENTION.
> 
> "Update your other fics Doll" No <3 
> 
> Anyway, becausd My Canon Now, some stuff has changed: 
> 
> -Daisy and Basira are no longer cops because I refuse to write Cops unless they are immediately brutally pipe murdered. Instead, I have decided to make Daisy an MMA fighter and let Basira be some sort of researcher, idk I'm fucking dumb  
> \- Nikola and Jon are reluctant friends, as in Nikola adopted him and won't let him block her.  
> \- GRAHAM AND DANNY LIVE BECAUSE FUCK THE STRANGER  
> \- The apolocalypse can't happen bc everyone hates Elias too much to give him even a sliver of power.  
> \- Gertrude Robinson lives through pure spite.  
> \- So does Gerry  
> \- Vast!Tim and Spiral!Sasha rights. 
> 
> Chat names|  
> VastlySuperior: Tim  
> Mahtin: Martin  
> BigBrain: Sasha
> 
> CHECK OUT THE INSPIRED BY SECTION FOR SOME PRIME CONTENT.

Archive's Groupchat

10:30 A.M.

Jonathan Sims has added 3 people.

Jonathan Sims: I have created a workplace chat because I believe this to be a more efficient method of communication than waiting for 45 minutes as the computers try to load Gmail.

Jonathan Sims: Please do not use this chat for non-work related purposes.

Tim Stoker: Guys, we should go to a pub after work today!!!!!!!!!

Martin K. Blackwood: That's not work related, Tim!

Sasha James: It's team-bonding. It will improve our morale and increase efficiency within the working environment.

Tim Stoker: Gross, boss talk.

Sasha James: Professionalism, Tim!

Tim Stoker: Professionalism is for cowardssssssss

Jonathan Sims: Please get back to work.

Martin K. Blackwood: Do you all want some tea?

Tim Stoker: Yes plz

Sasha James: ^^^^

Martin K. Blackwood: All right! I'll come through in a minute.

Tim Stoker: We don't deserve you,,,

Sasha James: God among men <3

Martin K. Blackwood: You guys!

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh, Jon, did you want some?

Jonathan Sims: No thank you.

Sasha James: (yes he does)

Jonathan Sims: No, I really don't.

Tim Stoker: He's just being difficult

Tim Stoker: Everyone likes Blackwood Tea.

Sasha James: It's like cocaine but less addictive.

Jonathan Sims: Well, for starters, caffeine is actually highly addictive and caffeine addictions are far more common than any illegal substance on the market today. And secondly, I am truly not interested in having tea right now.

Tim Stoker: You're going to hurt Martin's feelings :(

Martin K. Blackwood: You guys! Knock it off please.

Sasha James: Yeah Tim, knock it off :///

Tim Stoker: I actually hate you

Sasha James: <3

Jonathan Sims: If you all must know, I already have a coffee in here, so I am good on caffeine.

Sasha James: Oh. Black or?

Jonathan Sims: Of course it's not black. I'm not trying to consume asphalt, Sasha.

Sasha James: You usually take your tea black, is all.

Jonathan Sims: Tea and Coffee are different substances.

Jonathan Sims: And the only tea I take black is English Breakfast.

Sasha James: Noted.

Tim Stoker: When did you leave to get coffee? It wasn't there when I checked in on you this morning.

Jonathan Sims: Please don't phrase barging into my office with an unwrapped granola bar as 'checking in on me'. You were doing it to be an annoyance.

Tim Stoker: Okay, wow, rude.

Tim Stoker: I try to be nice and this is what I get?

Jonathan Sims: There are granola crumbs all over my desk.

Jonathan Sims: And a...friend barged in earlier to deliver it. Unannounced.

Sasha James: I didn't see anyone come in?

Martin K. Blackwood: I think I heard the door earlier while you two were in the file room.

Tim Stoker: Alright, glad to know boss man has friends.

Tim Stoker: I was starting to think he lived in his office.

Sasha James: He does sleep on the cot a lot.

Martin K. Blackwood: You mean,,, the file room cot? That old thing?

Martin K. Blackwood: HE SLEEPS HERE?

Jonathan Sims: Occasionally. Now, I believe you all are supposed to be working?

Tim Stoker: Shit. Scatter!

[Scene Break]

Archive For Cool People Only

12:23 P.M.

Tim Stoker has added Sasha James and Martin K. Blackwood to the chat.

Tim Stoker has changed three nicknames.

BigBrain: Why not add Jon?

VastlySuperior: This is an entity-aligned gc and Jon's a Human.

Mahtin: Hey! I'm human. Mostly.

BigBrain: Martin, humans don't routinely cough up cobwebs.

VastlySuperior: Or talk to spiders.

Mahtin: :(

VastlySuperior: Wait bb no don't be sad.

Mahtin: I'm not, I promise!!!!!!!

Mahtin: But if I'm not human, so are you Sasha.

BigBrain: Hell yeah. Sometimes you get snatched by the Spiral and say "fuck it we be incomprehensible" and join up with the Hallways gang.

Mahtin: Who...is the Hallways gang?

BigBrain: We be incomprehensible <3

VastlySuperior: I don't think they have a name. 

BigBrain: Technically none of us can have names but we chose to give names to ourselves because otherwise humans get all fidgety.

BigBrain: Like how Martin has been pointedly redirecting spiders from Jon's office bc he's scared of them >_>

VastlySuperior: It's rude to feed off coworkers, Sasha.

BigBrain: I am literally dizzy right now bc of you, Stoker.

Mahtin: I just don't want his fear!!!!

BigBrain: it's okay Mahtin, we know ur in love with our boss.

Mahtin: I AM NOT!!!

VastlySuperior: You have good taste man. Dude is kinda scrawny and he looks like death but in a sexy way.

BigBrain: Like a vampire.

VastlySuperior: NOT like a vampire.

Mahtin: He's more like a tired theatre kid who majored in criminology but couldn't handle law school so came back for a degree in literature.

Mahtin: He's like...burned-out academia.

BigBrain: So ur type is tired intellectuals? Mood.

Tim Stoker: One sec gonna dig out my old publishing work and pull a couple all-nighters.

BigBrain: PANSOWMALZPSMA

Mahtin: I do not! Like! Jon!

BigBrain: You know I can tell when people are lying,,, right?

Mahtin: . 

Mahtin: You guys should get some work done :/

Mahtin: Oh, and Rosie says Elias wants to see you Sasha

BigBrain: Fuuuuuuuuuck

BigBrain: Wish me luck </3

Mahtin: Good luck!!

VastlySuperior: Godspeed.

Archive's Groupchat  
1:30 pm

Jonathan Sims: Why can I smell smoke from my office?

Jonathan Sims: What are you all doing? 

Tim Stoker: IDK, I'm upstairs talking to Rosie. 

Tim Stoker: She's telling me abt her trip to Scotland.

Jonathan Sims: *about

Tim Stoker: Oh lmao u rite king, srry does this bther u?

Jonathan Sims: I very much wish you would conduct yourself with some level of professionalism in the workplace, Tim. 

Tim Stoker: <3

Jonathan Sims: My god. 

Sasha James: Just got back from my meeting with El*as

Sasha James: He was complaining about how long it's taking us to clean up the Archives.

Sasha James: Like, stfu asshat ur a 60 year old and you aren't even qualified to work in Research with ur bitchass philosphy degree, like just go smoke weed bastard. 

Sasha James: I should've been promoted and he FUCKING KNOWS IT, stupid bitchass eye kinnie. like suck on an eggggg

Sasha James: Oh shit this is the work chat.

Jonathan Sims: That is...highly inappropriate.

Jonathan Sims: But I do admit Elias can be...difficult.

Tim Stoker: Lmao boss man are you trashing our CEO?

Sasha James: This is officially the Elias Hate group.

Tim Stoker: AOSMSLMQOAMALSS

Jonathan Sims: I don't think that's particurally appropriate

Jonathan Sims: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHO IS SMOKING?!

Tim Stoker: OKAY SO I WAS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS AND I JUST HEARD JON YELL "WHY DO YOU HAVE A FIRE STARTER IN MY ARCHIVES, MAAAAHTIN?!"

Tim Stoker: AND MARTIN DEADASS REPLIES "I'M BURNING FILES DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"

Tim Stoker: "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT" KING I- 

Sasha James: HE WAS BURNING STATEMENTS? POWER MOVE OF THE CENTURY. 

Tim Stoker: DIRECT ACTION. 

Sasha James: God I fucking love him aosmalma go pyromaniac go!!! Fuck it up!!!

Tim Stoker: OH LMAO HE'S COMING THIS WAY

Tim Stoker: WHY IS THE BIN ON FIRE KING? IM DYINGGGGGG

Tim Stoker: God I love this job.

[Scene Break]

Archive's Chat  
2:25 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: I would like to remind you all that ignition sources are not allowed in the Archives. 

Martin K. Blackwood: I apologize, Jon. It won't happen again!

Sasha James: Should've burned the whole building down xx

Tim Stoker: SASHA DID YOU MEAN TO SEND THAT?!

Sasha James: Yes :) 

Jonathan Sims: I am...going to pretend I didn't read that. 

Jonathan Sims: Please avoid commiting arson on Institute property. 

Tim Stoker: So we can commit arson everywhere else? 0_0

Jonathan Sims: I cannot feasibly stop you but...don't. 

Tim Stoker: Alright Boss.

Tim Stoker: So...drinks?

Sasha James: Sure!

Martin K. Blackwood: I'll come along so you both don't end up regretting it tommorow. 

Tim Stoker: Jon?

Jonathan Sims: No thank you, I would rather not. 

Sasha James: Awwww! But that's fine! 

Tim Stoker: Did...you all hear something crash in his office?

Martin K. Blackwood: Should we check?

Jonathan Sims: I Would Love To Go For Drinks? When and Where?

Tim Stoker: Our usual place. Sasha'll text you the location! Around 6 maybe? I want to drop home real quick and change. 

Sasha James: Sounds good to me!

Martin K. Blackwood: ^

Jonathan Sims: That Sounds Lovely!

Sasha James: Okay? Back to work everyone!

Martin K. Blackwood: Tim, you're off Hold.

Tim Stoker: SHIT. 

[Scene Break]

Nikola Orsinov to Georgie Barker  
2:37 P.M.

Nikola Orsinov: I'm Making Jon Hang Out With His New Friends! 

Nikola Orsinov: That Silly Man Was Like "No I Won't Hang Out With You Because I Am Grumpy"! I Know He Would Have Fun! He Is A Fool! 

Nikola Orsinov: So I Am Making Him Go! Doctor's Orders! Besides, This Will Give Me Time To Organize His Fridge!

Nikola Orsinov: He Eats The Same Three Things Over And Over! It's Not Even Because He Has Eating Issues! He Just Works Too Much To Cook Anything! Humans Are So Fragile Georgie! They Need Variety And All That Healthy Stuff!

Nikola Orsinov: So I Went And Bought Food! I Just Need Him Gone So I Can Place It There!

Nikola Orsinov: All This To Say: Do Not Give Him An Out! Make Him Go Bond! He Needs More Friends Than Just The Two Of Us! 

Georgie Barker: Ooookay. 

Georgie Barker: Who are you again?

Nikola Orsinov: A Friend :D

Georgie Barker: Okay. 

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims  
2:43 P.M.

Georgie Barker: The answer's no, Jon.

Jonathan Sims: I hadn't even typed it out yet!

Georgie Barker: Go bond with your coworkers. You don't have to drink but you DO need to ger out more. 

Jonathan Sims: :/

Georgie Barker: [id: Picture of The Admiral. He is looking at the camera with an expressjon that could be judgemental but also could just be hunger.]

Georgie Barker: The Admiral says you gotta. 

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: Fine.

Georgie Barker: Have fun! 

Jonathan Sims: I'll try. 

Georgie Barker: :)

Sasha James to Martin K. Blackwood  
3:00 P.M.

Sasha James: Don't think I've forgotten about ur little crush :)

Martin K. Blackwood: SASHA

Sasha James: Hehe


	2. DON'T TOUCH THE WORMS, MARTIN.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team goes for drinks and Nikola does some crime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Drinking/Alchohol, mentions of spiders, mentions of violence.

Archive's Chat

5:45 P.M. 

Tim Stoker: I am omw over now. Went to my apartment to change.

Tim Stoker: Ran into a friend on the way there which is why it took me so long, so no Sasha I DID NOT GET LOST.

Sasha James: Uh huh. Sure.

Martin K. Blackwood: It's easy to get lost in London, Tim, it's okay.

Tim Stoker: NOT WHEN YOU'VE LIVED HERE FOR YEARS. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Everyone gets a little turned around sometimes x

Sasha James: M A R T I N

Tim Stoker: THIS IS WORKPLACE BULLYING! 

Jonathan Sims: I believe it is hypocritcal of Martin to speak on this matter, as he somehow takes the wrong line every time I send him out on fieldwork. 

Sasha James: skskskssk Leave him alone!!!! :/ King's a little confused but he's got the spirit. 

Martin K. Blackwood: It's easy to space out on the tube!!!

Tim Stoker: Haha, space. 

Jonathan Sims: Was there...a. joke there?

Martin K. Blackwood: Nope! Anyway, I'm almost there as well. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Found this funny looking worm on the platform :D

Martin K. Blackwood: [id: A silver worm with a thick black head. It looks menacing, but Martin has doodled little hearts around it]

Tim Stoker: I

Sasha James: PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE MENACING WORM, KING. 

Jonathan Sims: I suppose it looks...friendly?

Martin K. Blackwood: It does :D

Tim Stoker: NO IT DOESN'T??? THAT'S NOT A FRIEND?!

Sasha James: Dude omg please don't interact with the worm

Martin K. Blackwood: I,,, want to touch it. 

Jonathan Sims: As...cute as it is, maybe don't touch wild...insects?

Sasha James: DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THE WORM MARTIN

Martin K. Blackwood: You said that about the couch and it turned out fine!

Tim Stoker: THE COUCH THAT TRIED TO EAT YOU?!

Jonathan Sims: I'm sorry, what?! 

Sasha James: I'M COMING TO GET YOU SKSKSKSKS 

  
  


Sasha James --> Michael

6:03 P.M. 

Sasha James: I NEED A DOOR

Michael: Wh a t foR?

Sasha James: MARTIN IS TRYING TO TOUCH THE WORMS, MICHAEL

Michael: aH. 

Michael: Ssounds like a y0u problEm.

Sasha James: I WILL FUCKING BIND THE MOST HORRENDOUS PERSON POSSIBLE TO YOUR HALLWAYS MICHAEL DON'T FUCKING TEST ME

Michael: fffffine,,, I wilL gi ve y o u your doOr. 

Sasha James: THANK YOU!

  
  


Archive's Chat

6:09 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: Will someone please explain the MAN-EATING COUCH?!

Sasha James; No <3

Martin K. Blackwood: I can't believe Sasha actually came to get me. I wouldn't have touched the worms!!!

Tim Stoker: Yeah, sure buddy. 

Sasha James: Tim I'm picking you up as well so don't take the tube.

Tim Stoker: Too late Queen. 

Sasha James: Fuuuuck, enjoy the ride then.

Tim Stoker: I will <3

Sasha James: Jon, you @ the Pub?

Jonathan Sims: Yes, I've arrived.

Jonathan Sims: See you all soon.

  
  


Sasha James to Tim Stoker

7:24 P.M.

Sasha James: He's,,, pretty

Tim Stoker: IKR?!?

Sasha James: Dumbass,,, do you even know who I'm talking abt?

Tim Stoker: Doesss it matter?

Sasha James: You right. 

Sasha James: Jon: *rants about King Henry the 3rd*

Sasha James: Me: 😶💕💕💖💓💓💞

Tim Stoker: He is cute when he's concentrated

Tim Stoker: Martin,,, good taste

Sasha James; GOOD TASTE INDEEEED

Sasha James: Lookit this man,,,, embodiment of the pleading emoji

Sasha James: He's all 0////0 talking to Jon,, we stannnn

Tim Stoker: Should we think about getting some food into ourselves before we're too drunk 

Sasha James: You

Sasha James: Didn't eat before???

Tim Stoker: Didn't have time

Sasha James: LOVE OML NOOO, UR POOR STOMACH

Sasha James: I'll brb I'm getting you food

Sasha James: Watch our boys for me <3

Tim Stoker: Okay luv xx

Sasha James: Ah fuck, is this the pub door Tim?

Tim Stoker: That's Michael fucking with you again

Sasha James: PISSS OFF FUCKHANDS

Tim Stoker: Kakslamaoama FUCKHANDS MCMIKE

Tim Stoker: Love you Sash, be back safe plz

Sasha James: ✌👍👍

  
  


Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

7:32 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: Georgie,,,,

Georgie Barker: Having fun?

Jonathan Sims: Georgie they're actually COOL?!?!

Georgie Barker: Jon oml

Georgie Barker: You've been working with them for at least 2 months, have you JUST realized this?

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: Yes,,,,

Georgie Barker: Jon,,,, you dumbass

Jonathan Sims: Hey! I'm very smart!!!

Jonathan Sims: I am an intellectuaul!

Georgie Barker: Omg you misspelled a word. How drunk are you?

Jonathan Sims: I've only had like one drink, I'm fiiiine. 

Georgie Barker: I forgot that you're a lightweight.

Georgie Barker: Try not to go too crazy, okay? You'll regret it tomorrow.

Jonathan Sims: I won't

Jonathan Sims: But Georgie,,, they let me talk about history and didn't even interrupt me,,,

Georgie Barker: Oh, worm?

Jonathan Sims: Martin even,,, asked questions,,, they Listened Georgie I am going to cry 

Georgie Barker: Please don't. 

Jonathan Sims: Sasha left to get Tim smthing to eat and he is now leaning on me instead,,,,, And he's talking abt this band he likes and Georgie he is so funny,,,

Georgie Barker: Melanie read that over my shoulder and she called you a simp </3

Jonathan Sims: That's not what the word means Melanie!!! And if ur going to lurk, join the chat, coward!

Georgie Barker: Sksksks she said bet one second,,,

  
  


Martin Blackwood to Sasha James

7:45 P.M.

Martin K. Blackwood: Plz hurry back Tim is singing and ur missing it

Sasha James: WHAT?!??! Martin plz record I am begging you. 

Martin K. Blackwood: [id: A video. Tim is standing up on the chair and belting along to Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats". He's a surprisingly good singer. Nice warm voice. Jon is sitting next to him, staring up in awe.]]

Sasha James: Fuccck he's so prettyyyy

Sasha James: Tim Stoker, god among men <3

Martin K. Blackwood: He has a good voice,,,,

Martin K. Blackwood: WE SHOULD

Martin K. Blackwood: START A BAND

Sasha James: HELL FUCKING YES

Sasha James: I don't play an instrument but I'll learn the guitar

Martin K. Blackwood: I,,, have a keyboard

Sasha James: WHAT? YOU PLAY THE KEYBOARD?? 

Martin K. Blackwood: IT WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL I BOUGHT IT FOR LIKE 6 POUNDS IT'S A SHITTY OLD THING BUT BY GOD I STILL HAVE IT

Sasha James: Legend!!!! Okay Almost there I got foood 

Sasha James: Tell Tim I got him his usual and also a fuckton of chips bc they sounded good

Martin K. Blackwood: 👍

Jon Has A Social Life???

8:25 P.M. 

Melanie King has added Georgie Barker and Jonathan Sims to the chat.

Jonathan Sims: I resent that name on principle.

Melanie King: IK <3

Melanie King: So, ur at the pub? Drinking? Willingly?

Jonathan Sims: Well, Nikola forced me to go but tbh I'm not regretting it

Georgie Barker: Okay, pause, who the fuck is Nikola bc they texted me and I NEVER gave them my # sooo

Jonathan Sims: You could call her my friend.

Melanie King: 'could' is she or is she not ur friend, Jon?

Jonathan Sims: I wouldn't...she's not my friend like Georgie is my friend.

Jonathan Sims: She just kinda showed up one day and told me we were friends now.

Melanie King: ...What? 

Georgie Barker: Ah, she adopted you, got it. Well, how's the pub?

Jonathan Sims: Loud. But strangely I don't mind it

Jonathan Sim: Martin is talking abt his show and he's all wide-eyed and I have no clue what he's saying talkinj about but I think it's kinda...something???

Jonathan Sims: Tim keeps shoveling chips into his mouth too fast and he'll choke to death istg

Jonathan Sims: I'm being squished in btween Tim and Sasha and Martin and it feels strange

Jonathan Sims: This is an odd experience but not bad odd just...odd.

Melanie King: Glad you're having fun then Jon.

Georgie Barker: Get home safe please!

Jonathan Sims: I will,, love you two

Georgie Barker: 💓

Melanie King: .

Melanie King: 💖

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)

9:02 P.M.

NIKKI: Annabelle Keep Your FUCKING Spiders Away From My Friend's Flat! 

SpiderWoman: No 💞

NIKKI: He Is Scared Of Spiders And You Know It! Fear Is Not Healthy For Humans!

M1CH43L: I b e lieve that iS the PoINt.

SpiderWoman: Thank you, Michael. Am I not allowed to eat, Nikola?

NIKKI: That Is My Friend! Not Food! 

Death: "Fish are friends not food."

GrahamCracker: "Fish are friends not food."

Death: EYYYYYYY

GrahamCracker: EYYYYYY

NIKKI: This Is Serious! Annabelle Is Harassing My Friend! 

SpiderWoman: It's just a couple spiders, Nikola.

SpiderWoman: Why are you even at Jon's place??? 

NIKKI: I Broke In To Leave Food In His Fridge! 

SpiderWoman: What? 

NIKKI: Are You Illiterate? Huh? Are You Incapable Of Reading?

Death: Nikola, that's a crime.

NIKKI: EVERYONE HERE KILLS PEOPLE, OLIVER. 

Death: And?

GrahamCracker: The Stranger is Just Like That. But who is Jon?

NIKKI: My Friend! :D 

M1CH43L: The arc,,hivist >:(

GrahamCracker: You're???? Friends??? With??? The Archivist????

NIKKI: He Was My Friend Before Elias Even Knew Of Him! He Was Riding A Carousel Having A Crisis And I Decided I Would Keep Him! 

Death: ....Keep him? 

SpiderWoman: Nikola, humans aren't pets.

NIKKI: Did I Say He Was A Pet? No! He Is My Friend! 

NIKKI: He Was Scared At First But Now I Think He Likes Me! 

SpiderWoman: Well, Mother has known him for longer so I feel like we win.

NIKKI: Your Mother Traumatized Him, Annabelle! 

SpiderWoman: Yeah. So?

Death: Wait, the Archivist was already marked by the Web? What?

GrahamCracker: We had this conversation two months ago Ollie,,,

Death: Fuck. We did.

Death: Wait, how did he hire an archivist that quickly? Gertrude JUST died.

FuckTheEye: He's evil.

NoSpiralRights: He already had Jon picked out.

FuckTheEye: That too.

NIKKI: We Are Getting Off Topic! Leave Jon Alone Or I'll Fuck You Up! I'll Skin You, Web Bitch!

SpiderWoman: Yeah? You gonna kill me? Do it coward. I dare you.

NIKKI: Are You Seriously Trying To Control Me Over Text? Rude! At Least Take Me To Dinner First! Even Though I Cannot Eat!

GrahamCracker: Yeah Anna, it's rude to Web someone before the first date :/ 

Death: I will never understand Strangerkin. 

GrahamCracker: That's the point <3

Death: <3

Elias: Wait, Annabelle are you harassing my Archivist? I told you your interference was unnecessary, he's already been Marked by the Web. 

SpiderWoman: Shut up Elias.

FuckTheEye: Shut up Elias.

Bones: Shut up Elias

M1CH43L: shhhut uP Elias. 

NoSpiralRights: Shut up Elias

NIKKI: Shut up Elias

Death: Shut up Elias

GrahamCracker: Shut up Elias

FuckTheEye: Shut up Elias

Elias: You already said that

FuckTheEye: I fucking KNOW Elias, shut the FUCK UP.

WormOffTheString: shut up elias

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Shut up, Elias.

PLukas is online

PLukas: Shut up, Elias.

Elias: Did you come online just to tell me to shut up? Seriously? 

PLukas: Yes.

SpiderWoman: He thinks he has rights? How embarrassing.

WormOffTheString: Speaking of friends!!! I made a new one today!!! He called my family cute :D

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: That's great, sweetheart. Are you going to invite him to join it?

WormOffTheString: Of course! Though, he's odd. Something about him is off. 

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: I'm sure he's fine. Have fun! 

WormOffTheString: :D

Elias: Annabelle, leave Jon alone.

SpiderWoman: Fine. But only because Nikola would be annoying to kill. 

Elias: And go to bed. Seriously people, it's too late for shenanigans like this.

Death: Alright, grandpa.

FuckTheEye: Old Man Jonah Magnus

Elias: I wish you would have stayed dead.

FuckTheEye: Me too bitch. 

M1CH43L: :((((((

FuckTheEye: For legal reasons that was a joke. 

NIKKI: Good Night!

Elias has muted the chat for 8 hours. 

Martin K. Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

10:56 P.M.

Martin K. Blackwood: Got to,,, my flat! Found a worm again! How are you?

Jonathan Sims: Cold. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Told u not to jump in the river Jon 😔 

Jonathan Sims: You did. Night Martin

Martin K. Blackwood: Night <3

  
  


Jonathan Sims to Tim Stoker

11:00 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: Be safe.

Tim Stoker: DW abt me. Get some sleep 

Jonathan Sims: I will. :D

Tim Stoker to Sasha James

11:19 P.M.

Tim Stoker: Jon's home. Dropped him off. Heading home now, love you

Sasha James: You too. Martin w/ you?

Tim Stoker; We dropped him off first. He's really clumsy, nearly fell off the platform

Sasha James: Good. See you tmmrow. Enjoy the headache xx

Tim Stoker: </3

  
  


Archive's Chat

10:00 A.M.

Sasha James: So. How's everyone doing

Tim Stoker: I am never drinking again </3

Martin K. Blackwood: That bad huh?

Tim Stoker: My head feels like I've just shoved it into a blender.

Martin K. Blackwood: My eyes hurt,,, just my eyes. Not even my head. 

Sasha James: You all are hungover? Couldn't be me.

Tim Stoker: Fuck you and your tolerance :(

Sasha James: Sorry luv xx

Martin K. Blackwood: Hope we didn't do anything stupid last night. I'm gonna read my messages

Jonathan Sims: Why do my clothes feel damp?

Tim Stoker: You tripped on our way back and fell into a river

Sasha James: Oh god forgot about that. Lucky for us ur phone was in my bag

Sasha James: For some reason. 

Tim Stoker: I put it there bc Jon kept dropping it and I was worried he'd smash it. 

Sasha James: Man, that was a fun night.

Jonathan Sims: I'm going back to sleep. 

Tim Stoker: Jonathan Sims? Not working? What witchcraft is this?!

Jonathan Sims: Just for that Tim, you can do all the filing next week.

Tim Stoker: Wow. 

Jonathan Sims: I'm kidding, that's office retaliation and illegal. 

Jonathan Sims; Annnnnd my friends have broken into my flat again. Have a good day everyone.

Jonathan Sims is offline.

Martin K. Blackwood: Alright then, goodbye!

Sasha James: Goodbye! 

Tim Stoker: Wait, did he say 'broken in'?!

Sasha James: Yeah lmao, he seems fine though sooo....good night!

Martin K. Blackwood: It's 10 A.M.?

Sasha James: Time doesn't matter 💖

Tim Stoker: ^^^^

Martin K. Blackwood: Fair enough

Martin K. Blackwood: One sec, someone's knocking

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh, worms. 

Tim Stoker: What

Martin K. Blackwood: It's nothing! See you Tim!

Martin K. Blackwood is offline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jude+Jane Rights 
> 
> Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
> NIKKI: Nikola   
> M1CH43L: Michael Shelley  
> Elias: Elias.  
> PLukas: Peter Lukas  
> NoSpiralRights: Mike Crew  
> GrahamCracker: Graham Folger  
> Death: Oliver Banks  
> FuckTheEye: Gerard Keay  
> Bones: Jared Hopworth  
> SpiderWoman: Annabelle Cane  
> WormOffTheString: Jane Prentiss  
> WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Jude Perry


	3. Oh, Worms?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look I laughed for way too long at the chapter title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No CW's this time as far as I can tell, but if you notice something please let me know! 
> 
> I love Jon and I'm projecting, thanks <3

Archive's Chat

9:35 A.M.

Tim Stoker: Why is Martin late?? He's never late.

Sasha James: idk, have you tried texting him?

Tim Stoker: He read it but didn't respond :/

Jonathan Sims: I am sure Martin is fine, Tim.

Tim Stoker: But what if he's not :(

Jonathan Sims: Thinking like that will just make you anxious.

Sasha James: Yeah lol

Sasha James: Besides, it's a Monday, No one is ever eager to come in on a Monday :p

Sasha James: No offense Jon.

Jonathan Sims: None taken. I, personally, do not mind coming into work, however I understand not everyone enjoys the office environment.

Tim Stoker: Jon I'm begging u to text like a normal person I know you can

Jonathan Sims: This is how I text, Tim.

Tim Stoker: You know what? I've decided that's

Valid. At least I can read ur texts

Sasha James: That's an attack on Spiralcore :(

Tim Stoker: SASHA

Sasha James: Oh shit, Jon pretend you didn't see that.

Jonathan Sims: Alright then. I do not see it.

Tim Stoker: SKSKKSS DID HE JUST MEME 😮

Jonathan Sims: I'm not that old, Tim. I'm only 38.

Sasha James: LIES.

Jonathan Sims: Sasha, I can assure you I am telling the truth.

Sasha James; You're 28, your birthday is July 26th, 1987 and your grey streaks are natural and run in your family.

Jonathan Sims: .

Tim Stoker: Queen,, how do you know that?

Sasha James: I go into his office to borrow pens a lot and once I glanced at his computer screen and you can tell a LOT about a person from that.

Tim Stoker: Sasha, that's...you know what? That's not as bad as I thought.

Sasha James: Jon knows OUR birthdays so it was only fair. The hair thing he told us Friday.

Jonathan Sims: I would appreciate it if you didn't do that. It is kind of invasive.

Sasha James: Oh. Sorry Jon, I won't!

Jonathan Sims: It is fine. Also, give me back my pens. You are why I never have pens.

Tim Stoker: Sasha James, are you...a pen thief? I thought I knew you :/

Sasha James: In my defense, A) I can't exactly give you back pens that I LOST and B) YOU USE THEM TO WRITE DIRECTLY ON STATEMENTS

Tim Stoker: HE DOES WHAT?!

Martin K. Blackwood: JON?!

Jonathan Sims: Oh, hello Martin.

Martin K. Blackwood: JON YOU WRITE ON THE STATEMENTS ALSMmaksmaoam JON NO THAT'S HORRIBLE

Sasha James: If this were a real job,,, we'd all be fired </3

Tim Stoker: Elias Bitchard would have me out SO FAST lmao

Jonathan Sims: Please censor your Elias mentions.

Sasha James: APSNAPMASNAPSMAL

Sasha James: El**s B**ch*rd.

Martin K. Blackwood: I love you three,,,,

Tim Stoker: Oh damn, fr???

Jonathan Sims: Right. Martin, are you feeling okay? You're not normally late.

Martin K. Blackwood: Worm lady outside my house all weekend. Just managed to slip out. Had to hit her with a shoe. I'm so tired.

Martin K. Blackwood: Would have just eaten her but she's Corruption aligned and I would rather not get sick :(

Jonathan Sims: Worm...lady?

Tim Stoker: I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THE WORMS ALONE KING.

Sasha James: I'M SORRY, WORM LADY? WHAT?!

Martin K. Blackwood: She's like 'do you hear them sing :D' and I'm like 'NO SORRY I DON'T WANT WHAT YOU'RE SELLING BUT THANKS!' Like please ma'am this is a Wendys.

Jonathan Sims: Wait, I'm sorry did you say you would have eaten her?

Martin K. Blackwood: Don't ask Jon :(

Martin K. Blackwood: I need a shower. I smell like rotting meat.

Tim Stoker: There's one in Artefact Storage for when people get too close to some of the testier artefacts.

Sasha James: I have spare clothes up with Rosie for all of us, I'll go grab yours.

Tim Stoker: Why do you...have that?

Jonathan Sims: After the incident involving that statement giver's bloody nose, she figured it was a good idea.

Sasha James: ^^^

Martin K. Blackwood: Thanks! Gonna go shower now xx

Tim Stoker: I'm going to make a few calls for this followup.

Sasha James: Have fun w/ that <33

Tim Stoker: I will :))

Jonathan Sims >> Georgie Barker

9:56 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: Georgie

Georgie Barker: You okay Jon?

Jonathan Sims: Martin just indirectly said he loved me how do I process this? Was he joking???

Georgie Barker: Oh god Jon

Georgie Barker: Okay, calm down luv.

Jonathan Sims: Do I mention it? Should I say it back? Would that be weird?!

Georgie Barker: Jon, I promise you it's fine. Martin isn't doing it to be mean, from what I've seen he isn't the type. And you don't have to say the L word unless you want to!!!!

Georgie Barker: Oh, side note, TA and I are coming over tonight. I got some new documentaries I'll think you'll like :)

Jonathan Sims: That sounds nice, Georgie. Is Melanie coming?

Georgie Barker: She's in India.

Jonathan Sims: What

Georgie Barker: Since Ghost Hunt UK ended she's been pursuing cases by herself. She's in India right now following up on a lead.

Jonathan Sims: Well, good luck to her then. See you tonight then?

Georgie Barker: Of course xx

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)

10:04 A.M.

WormOffTheString: I,,, hurted

NIKKI: What? Jane Are You Okay? Who Hurt You Queen?

SpiderWoman: ^^^^^^^^

Elias: Martin did

WormOffTheString: I just,,, wnated to say Hi,,, he hit me with a shoe,,, like a spider :(

SpiderWoman: WAIT, MARTIN BLACKWOOD?

WormOffTheString: Yes!

SpiderWoman: He's ours Queen </3

WormOfdTheString: But,,, friend?

SpiderWoman: Jane,,, you can't absorb him he's an avatar, he'll kill you

SpiderWoman: Have you tried,,, talking to him?

WormOffTheString: I asked if he heard the song!

SpiderWoman: That's,,, Jane No.

WhatCrimesWillHeCommit: Is the Web bothering you, Jane?

WormOffTheString: He,,, did not want to see the rotting beauty,, :( Is it not good enough for him?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: What?! No way, ur worms are gorgeous and ur rot is beautiful <3

Elias: Stop trying to infect my employees, Jane.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: SHUT THE HELL UP ELIAS.

SpiderWoman: Oh my gooood, shut the fuck up Elias

NIKKI: Please!!! Shut!!! Up!!!! Eyelash Man!!!!

Plukas is online

Plukas: Shut up, Elias.

Elias: I hate all of you.

WormOffTheString: Would Martin like me if I,,,, visited him again??

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: He fucking better.

NIKKI: I Know! Why Don't You Come With Me Today While I Visit Jon! We Can All Be Friends :D

Elias: You are not allowed into my archives.

WormOffTheString: Peter may we visit?

Plukas: Go right ahead, just no murder this time.

NIKKI: Thank You!!!!

Death: Lmao

Elias: Peter!!!

Plukas: I pay for the archives so I mean, technically the building is mine.

Elias: I want another divorce.

SpiderWoman: You got remarried and didn't invite me?

NIKKI: This Is Clownphobia! I Should Have Been Invited! Did You Exclude Simon? Huh? Did You Let That Wrinkly Old Bastard Come To Your Wedding? And Not Me And My Lovely Circus?

Elias: 1. Simon shows up whether or not we invite him and 2. Breekon and Hope were supposed to give you an invitation.

NIKKI: Oh! Okay Then! Just So You Know, If You Exclude Me From A Wedding I Will Skin You :D

Death: Conversely, please stop inviting me to attend as I would rather die.

NoSpiral Rights: Just get yourself uninvited. I gave Elias vertigo during the vows and was never invited again <3

FuckTheEye: I stood up during the vows and listed every Lukas Elias has ever been romantically involved with. It took five minutes and someone had to actually wrestle me out of the room.

M1CH43L: tHat was funny

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: You all srsly need to tell me b4 you pull shit w/ Elias so I can join in :/

GrahamCracker: Danny and I replaced everyone there with mannequins. It took them six hours to notice

GrahamCracker: SPEAKING OF DANNY

GrahamCracker has added Daniel Stoker to the chat.

DanielStoker has changed his name to Danimals

Danimals: Hello!

GrahamCracker: Wait, why isn't Simon in this chat?

Danimals: EYYY, GRAHAM!

GrahamCracker: DANIEL!

NIKKI: DANNYYYY!

Plukas: Simon was kicked last week I believe.

NoSpiralRights: Simon was banned.

SpiderWoman: Simon committed horny crimes and got himself banned again.

Death: Simon was being a Vast fucker on main.

FuckTheEye: He got banned for doing his usual bit where he started talking about his affair with the actual fucking sky.

M1CH43L: You all,, have the sa m e brain cell.

NoSpiralRights: STFU Michael

FuckTheEye: Mike I will fucking punt you, shut up and leave Micheal alone.

Death: Please don't start fighting

GrahamCracker: Yeah, let's go back to bullying Elias.

NIKKI: Yes!!! God Graham You're So Smart!!!!

Elias: What did I do to deserve this?

M1CH43L: hIr3d Gert rude RoBins0n.

FuckTheyEye: You're an eye kinnie

NoSpiralRights: You feed off other people's kills like a voyeuristic parasite.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: You're an eye avatar, you regularly attack my girlfriend and you called my best friend an 'indecisive cultist with a martyr complex'.

WormOffTheString: You deny the rot :(

SpiderWoman: You're 160 centimeters tall

GrahamCracker: You refuse to go to any of Breekon and Hope's vow renewals.

Death: You're annoying as hell Elias.

NIKKI: You Tried To Steal Jon From Us! >:(

Plukas: You're a gold-digger

Bones: You won't give me ur arm.

Danimals: Idk you just seem kinda lame?

Elias: Wow. Rude, all of you.

Elias: Next time you all need help, don't come crying to me.

SpiderWoman: Hope you break your neck old man <3

Elias is offline.

Danimals: He ran away. Not cool.

GrahamCracker: 0/10.

NIKKI: We Found An Entrance! Talk To You All Later!

Archives For Cool People Only

12:34 P.M.

VastlySuperior: So I'm down in the tunnels.

BigBrain: The...tunnels?

Mahtin: ^^ What tunnels?

VastlySuperior: The tunnels under the Institute, god get with the program you two :p

BigBrain: WE HAVE TUNNELS?

Mahtin: TUNNELS UNDER THE INSTITUTE?

BigBrain: Are they good tunnels?

VastlySuperior: They twist a lot. Kinda maze-like but if a maze grew organically. You'd love them Sash.

BigBrain: Hell yeah I would. How'd you get in?

VastlySuperior: Trap door in Jon's office.

Mahtin: What

BigBrain: LMAO HE'S NOT IN THERE RIGHT NOW I'M COMING IN I WANNA SEE THE TUNNELS

Mahtin: I

Mahtin: I want to see the tunnels.

VastlySuperior: Yes, yes, come join me >:) Bring flashlights and water, also food I'm starving.

Mahtin: Will do.

Mahtin: Don't step on that spider, Tim

VastlySuperior: FUCK that was scary. That things so fucking big.

Mahtin: That's what she said

BigBrain: That's what she said

BigBrain: JINX

Mahtin: Awww :/ I'll buy you a soda.

BigBrain: Cherry plz <3

Mahtin: Got it!

VastlySuperior: HURRY I WANT TO FUCK AROUND IN THESE TUNNELS.

BigBrain: !!!!! I can make them into a real maze

Mahtin: Please don't I will get lost :(

BigBrain: I'll hold ur hand bb don't worry xx

Mahtin: Fine,,,

VastlySuperior: Tunnel time tunnel time tunnel time tunnel time

Archives For Cool People Only

1:15 P.M.

Mahtin: THERE'S SOMETHING DOWN HERE

BigBrain: I KNOW I HEARD IT TOO FIND TIM AND GTFO

Mahtin: WHY DO WE HAVE HAUNTED TUNNELS UNDER OUR INSTITUTE

VastlySuperior: Oh it's not a ghost it's just Nik.

Mahtin: .

BigBrain: Who,,, is Nik?

VastlySuperior: Clown Mannequin. Tried to eat my brother. We're friends now.

BigBrain: I'm sorry: WHAT?!

VastlySuperior: Stranger shit.

VastlySuperior: Apparently she brought a friend

BigBrain: Is she safe?

VastlySuperior: Nikola won't kill you, Sasha. Not sure she can.

Mahtin: Oh, it's not someone trying to kill us. That's good.

VastlySuperior: SHE'S HERE TO VISIT JON?!

BigBrain: THE MANNEQUIN?

Mahtin: JON KNOWS THE CLOWN?

Mahtin: Oh my god what is that noise SHIT SHIT SHIT ITS FUCKING WORM LADY NO THANK YOUUU

VastlySuperior: Oh my god Martin I'm coming to get you.

BigBrain: I'm losing my mind and not in a fun way

Mahtin: I SEE YOU SKSKKS HELLO CLOWN LADY PLEASE RUN

Mahtin: Wh

Mahtin is offline

VastlySuperior: SHIIIT

VastlySuperior is offline

BigBrain: Welp. That's not good.

BigBrain is offline

Archive's Chat

3:30 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: I would like to apologize Martin. I was unaware Nikola's..friend was the worm lady from before.

Martin K. Blackwood: It's fine. Nikola seems nice! Jane's actually pretty nice too, now that I know she won't be trying to consume me.

Tim Stoker: Her worms are surprisingly friendly.

Sasha James: Okay but El*as emailed me asking if we were having a bug problem and I told him there was a vile little creature in his office :)

Tim Stoker: You

Tim Stoker: You said that. To his face.

Sasha James: It was over email but...still.

Martin K. Blackwood: Sasha,,, you are the funniest person ever

Sasha James: Hell yeah I am

Tim Stoker: Idea: We should leave worms in El*as's office.

Jonathan Sims: I will pretend not to see this.

Sasha James: Martin. Make him some tea and put a worm in it

Martin K. Blackwood: What if he eats it? It could hurt Jane's friend :/

Sasha James: You're right.

Sasha James: I'm just gonna keep moving his things around.

Tim Stoker: You go Queen <3

Jonathan Sims: Please finish up your follow-ups before you plan any office pranks.

Martin K. Blackwood: 👍

Sasha James: Alright. Love you guys xx

Tim Stoker: U too!

Martin K. Blackwood: ^^

[Deleted] Jonathan Sims: You too.

[Deleted] Jonathan Sims: ^^

Jonathan Sims: Also, as a side note, please no more silly string in the archives.

Jonathan Sims: Looking at you, Tim.

Tim Stoker: :/ fiiiine.

Everyone is offline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Archive For Cool People Only  
> BigBrain: Sasha James  
> VastlySuperior: Tim Stoker  
> Mahtin: Martin
> 
> Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
> GR: Gertrude Robinson  
> NIKKI: Nikola   
> M1CH43L: Michael Shelley  
> Elias: Elias.  
> PLukas: Peter Lukas  
> NoSpiralRights: Mike Crew  
> GrahamCracker: Graham Folger  
> Death: Oliver Banks  
> FuckTheEye: Gerard Keay  
> Bones: Jared Hopworth  
> SpiderWoman: Annabelle Cane  
> WormOffTheString: Jane Prentiss  
> WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Jude Perry  
> Danimals: Daniel Stoker


	4. SCENE KID ELIAS?!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Bully Jonah Hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Spider mention, corpses, mentions of death, injuries, gun mentions.
> 
> Haha I wrote this all in one sitting by back hurts like hell but it was fuxking worth it.

Jane Prentiss to Martin K. Blackwood

8:03 A.M.

Jane Prentiss: Hello friend

Martin K. Blackwood: Hey Jane.

Jane Prentiss: Your flat is small and very cold.

Martin K. Blackwood: Uh...yes?

Jane Prentiss: Cold is not good for humans :/ You'll get sick.

Martin K. Blackwood: It's too expensive to keep it heated all the time? Jane, why are you in my flat?

Jane Prentiss: Nikola does this with Jon :D

Martin K. Blackwood: How did you get in?

Jane Prentiss: Door was unlocked. You know that's super dangerous :(

Jane Prentiss: If I was a creep I could really hurt you! Lukily I am a friend

Martin K. Blackwood: Cool cool cool cool cool.

Jane Prentiss: I am going to make this flat better for humans. Nikola said you are fragile creatures

Jane Prentiss: Yes I am aware you are an avatar of The Web but you are far more human than anything else at this point. You do not even have mandibles yet!

Martin K. Blackwood: AM I GOING TO GROW MANDIBLES?!

Jane Prentiss: I assssked Annabelle and she said maybe.

Jane Prentiss: Annabelle is here tooo

Jane Prentiss: She said ur spiders are very pretty

Martin K. Blackwood: Thank you, I made them myself :D

Martin K. Blackwood: But...mandibles?!

Jane Prentiss: Maybe some extra legs tooo. Don't worry, you can hide them :D

Martin K. Blackwood: Okay. Not gonna freak out.

Martin K. Blackwood: Um...thank you?

Jane Prentiss: You're welcome, friend <3

Archive For Cool People Only

10:30 A.M.

VastlySuperior: Okay so yesterday evening I was just chilling in my flat, thinking of doing a round and seeing if some poor sod was close enough to the edge of a bridge to give them a little shove

Mahtin: As one does

VastlySuperior: Right. So Danny comes into my room-

BigBrain: Danny lives with you?

VastlySuperior: No. He doesn't even live in London. Not sure why he's in my flat, point is he comes into my room and he has a fucking dead body.

VastlySuperior: A CORPSE. JUST HANGING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

Mahtin: WOMAPABDOAMAPA

BigBrain: NOOOOOOO!!!!

VastlySuperior: So obviously, I'm in shock right? I mean, he hasn't been the same since he nearly got eaten by the Stranger a couple years back, but that's normal. But a CADAVER? IN MY FLAT?!

VastlySuperior: That's just bad manners man.

VastlySuperior: Who brings a corpse into someone's bedroom? Like ewww, dead people juice? Come on Danny you know better than that :/

BigBrain: Its grossssss

Mahtin: Why

Mahtin: Why did he have a corpse?

VastlySuperior: Apparently he's an AVATAR? Of the STRANGER? Wack.

Mahtin: Tim

Mahtin: Tim did you not know that?

Mahtin: Tim he's YOUR BROTHER?

VastlySuperior: LOOK I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS HAVING A BIT OF A MIDLIFE CRISIS, MARTIN

BigBrain: He's 26?

VastlySuperior: And? Midlife crises are for everyone Sasha.

Mahtin: There's no way to tell when I will die, therefore I have decided to have an ongoing crisis. Thank you for your support <3

BigBrain: NOOO MARTIN THAT'S CURSED SKSKSKS

Mahtin: 'sksksksk' okay Visco girl kinnie

BigBrain: okay 'Vriska did nothing wrong' headass

Mahtin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I DIDN'T EVEN READ HOUSEBOUND OR WHATEVER THE FUCK ITS CALLLED

Sasha James: Liar.

Mahtin: I'M! NOT! LYING!

Sasha James: Yeah sure 💞

Mahtin: You're awful

Sasha: <3

Mahtin: <3

Tim Stoker: GUYS SHUT UP AND CHECK THE AGC I FOUND SOMETHING

Archive's Chat

11:00 A.M.

Tim Stoker: Guys I was surfing the internet and you will never BELIEVE what I found.

Jonathan Sims: Tim is this that important?

Tim Stoker: JONATHAN LOOK

Tim Stoker: [id: a younger Elias Bouchard, dressed head up like a stereotypical scene kid. I'm talking about too many bracelets, neon colors, shittily-dyed hair, the works.]

Sasha James: IS THAT ELIAS?!

Jonathan Sims: Oh my god.

Martin K. Blackwood: I'M PRINTING THIS UP RIGHT NOW

Jonathan Sims: I am shocked

Jonathan Sims: This is the funniest thing I've seen all day. I'm sending it to Nikola.

Tim Stoker: Yes!!! Martin!!! We should hang this shit up around the Institute!

Sasha James: We're so fired </3

Martin K. Blackwood: He can try to fire me :)

Jonathan Sims: Ominous.

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh, Jon, clear out of your office for a second so I can come get that spider.

Jonathan Sim: .

Martin K. Blackwood: Don't ask how I know.

Jonathan Sims: I Will Not.

Sasha James: Elias was a scene kid....I'm losing it.

Tim Stoker: Scene Kid C.E.O. sounds like a bad movie.

Sasha James: IT DOOOOES

Sasha James: Watch me make a bad movie poster using this photo

Martin K. Blackwood: DO IT.

Sasha James: Okay, bet.

Tim Stoker: I love this group chat,,, the vibes are impeccable.

Jonathan Sims: For professional purposes, I am NOT seeing these messages.

Jonathan Sims: However, if you were to say, disseminate these photos through the institute's private email service using a proxy account...well, I couldn't exactly prove it was you, could I?

Sasha James: Jon

Sasha James: That is genius. I fucking love you.

Sasha James: One sec, gonna make a mock-up of this poster so I can get it sent.

Tim Stoker: Use that font we made. ~☆☆ Comic sans but every 3rd letter is Times New Roman☆☆~

Martin K. Blackwood: God that sounds horrible, I love it.

Jonathan Sims: I hate that idea, but Elias will hate it more.

Tim Stoker: It's Bully Elias Hours folks.

Sasha James: >%)

Tim Stoker: > : )

Martin K. Blackwood: > ::::)

Jonathan Sims: ?

Jonathan Sims: >:) ?

Sasha James: Jon,,, luv,,, you're trying so hard and we appreciate you.

Martin K. Blackwood: I mean, technically he wouldn't get the joke behind our fucked up smilies anyway

Martin K. Blackwood: But Jon should use

> 👁)

Tim Stoker: THAT'S SO CURSED MARTIN NO

Sasha James: That's so ugly please just use 👀 Jon

Jonathan Sims: I kinda like Martin's,,, but >0D is a better way to do a cyclops smiley :/

Tim Stoker: DID JON JUST USEAN EMOjiJajaoalajsks

Sasha James: Welcome to the meme team Jon 👊

Jonathan Sims: Hmmm, not sure I like that

Martin K. Blackwood: aosnapmaoana J o n

Tim Stoker: Jon commits a murder asmr

Jonathan Sims: I wouldn't kill someone

Jonathan Sims: I have however been nearly killed multiple times

Sasha James: Wh

Tim Stoker: Wh

Martin K. Blackwood: Sounds about right.

Jonathan Sims: My best friends have all stabbed or injured me at one point.

Jonathan Sims: That time Melanie stabbed me in the leg,,, that time Georgie accidentally dropped boiling water on my foot,,, that time Nikola nearly drowned me,,, that time Graham threw a frisbee at my cane and caused me to fall down a hill into a lake,,, that time Daisy actually shot me,,,

Tim Stoker: WHAT

Jonathan Sims: In her defense that gun was supposed to be a replica.

Sasha James: You are a safety hazard and I am worried for your health.

Jonathan Sims: Honestly I think being my friend requires you to make an attempt on my life at least once

Tim Stoker: KING-

Martin K. Blackwood: gang gang

Sasha James: THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE RELATABLE-

Jonathan Sims: But anyways, back to messing with Elias. I'm going to send Nikk that photo

Tim Stoker: I'm so concerned for the two of you.

Sasha James: Wait Martin, why DO you relate to that? When have you almost died?

Martin K. Blackwood: Yeah 💖

Sasha James: MARTIN!

Jonathan Sims to Nikola Orsinov

11:23 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: Nikola

Jonathan Sims: [id: a younger Elias Bouchard, dressed head up like a stereotypical scene kid. I'm talking about too many bracelets, neon colors, shittily-dyed hair, the works.]

Nikola Orsinov: !!!!!! OH THIS IS GREAT JON. I LOVE YOU.

Nikola Orsinov: I'm Making This My Profile Picture. I Love It. This Is Fantastic.

Jonathan Sims: Glad you liked it. Thank Tim.

Nikola Orsinov: I Will! I Fucking Will!

Archives For Cool People Only

2:06 P.M.

Mahtin: Why is it whenever you two go into the file rooms together you take forever to return?

>_>

VastlySuperior: Why is it when whenever you go into Jon's office you're in there for a full hour? <_<

Mahtin: I like to update him on our work, Tim.

VastlySuperior: And Sasha and I like to gossip, Martin.

Mahtin: YOU'RE GOSSIPING WITHOUT ME? ::::O

BigBrain: R.I.P. sorry Martin </3

Mahtin: This is arachnophobia >::::(

BigBrain: Sorry King, it's not that juicy tho.

Mahtin: i still wanna hear it!

VastlySuperior: Okay, so y'know the Lukas family? Avatars of the Big Sad but if it could eat you?

BigBrain: Fog But Make It ☆ Deadly ☆

Mahtin: Oh them, lol yeah. Peter Lukas routinely hits on me whenever he comes to the Institute for donor meetings.

VastlySuperior: WHAT?!

BigBrain: He does? Good taste.

VastlySuperior: SASHA AKSKSMALMALA

Mahtin: I mean, but is she wrong?

VastlySuperior: True, true. He's a sailor after all.

BigBrain: Don't you fucking dare

VastlySuperior: He knows a catch when he sees one ;)

Mahtin: HORRIBLE AOSNLAMALA

BigBrain: UGHHHH THAT'S SO CHEESY

VastlySuperior: Tough crowd 😔

Mahtin: So, what's the tea?

BigBrain: Apparently Peter Lukas and El*as are getting divorced.

Mahtin: THEY WERE MARRIED?!

VastlySuperior: Yeah, Rosie told me they've been married and divorced about 7 times in the past 10 or so years.

Mahtin: I-

BigBrain: Old men in love but evil. LonelyEyes. It's canon.

Mahtin: I hate that.

VastlySuperior: honestly how did a man like El*as pull Peter Lukas, he's like a 7 at best and Peter is a whole 10.

Mahtin: Tim!

BigBrain: Smh gonna have to block you for that king.

VastlySuperior: Peter is OBJECTIVELY hot.

Mahtin: Okay,,, so-

BigBrain: NO! NO!

BigBrain: I hate that never say that again.

Mahtin: Beards make my brain go 😍😍😍

VastlySuperior: So, what ur saying is Jon's lil beard-

Mahtin: SHUT UP TIM OHMY GAWWWD.

VastlySuperior: I MEAN I'M NOT DISAGREEING WITH YOU, HE IS KINDA HOT 👀

BigBrain: Jon Simps On Main 2K16

Mahtin: That's not what Simp means Sasha

BigBrain: And? We simping?

VastlySuperior: We simping.

Mahtin: ,,,,

Mahtin: we simping.

BigBrain: EYYY LETS GO BOYS

BigBrain: Speaking of Jon, he's been in his office for half an hour without making a peep.

BigBrain: So I'm gonna go check on him

BigBrain: nvm, what the fuck is that

VastlySuperior: IS THAT GETRUDE ROBINSON??? WTH?! I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD???

Mahtin: WHO'S THE OLD MAN? WHY WERE THEY IN THE TUNNELS? GERTRUDE QUEEN UR SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD?

VastlySuperior: I THINK JON'S HAVING A STROKE-

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)

2:34 P.M.

GR: I lived, bitch.

Elias: Ah. Well that does complicate things, as I have already appointed your successor.

M1CH43L: i Am deeply disappointed in this devel op ment

FuckTheEye: Gertrude? You were shot? How are you still alive?

GR: Gerry, you had a brain tumor, how are you still alive?

FuckTheEye: Idk, tumor went poof?

GR: Same thing happened to my bullet.

FuckTheEye: HAH! Take that Elias, universe like us better than you.

Death: Lol welcome back Gertrude.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Fuck. Fuck I hate this.

Danimals: Yoooo, it's the former Archivist!

Elias: I believe she is still an Archivist, just not the main one anymore.

GR: Damn it. To think I was almost free of you.

M1CH43L: shOuld,,, have Stayed d3ad.

GrahamCracker: Once again, I am reminded that we all serve fear gods and normal human rules don't apply.

Danimals: Lmao yeah. Forgot about that tbh.

NIKKI: Gertrude! It Is Not Pleasant To See You Again!

WormOffTheString: Hello Archivist :D

Plukas is online

Plukas: Fucking hell. Do we have to have another donor meeting because of this?

Elias: Unfortunately yes.

FuckTheEye: Gertrude, quick question, do you still have the bullet?

GR: ? Of course. I rather think it will make a nice trophy. A reminder of the pathetic attempt on Jonah's behalf to kill me.

NIKKI: Go Off! Elias Hate Encouraged!

SpiderWoman: Hello, Gertrude ::::)

SpiderWoman: Have you met my friend Martin?

GR: Elias. I told you no more Web in my archives.

GR: I don't have the energy to keep disposing of them.

WormOffTheString: Touch Martin and you die.

M1CH43L: l3ave the spIder bOy al0nE Gertrude.

SpiderWoman: I'll kill you, Gertrude. I will.

Death: I missed the death threats, I really did. The energy in this chat isn't horrible at all.

GrahamCracker: /s

NoSpiralRights: I should add Simon back to the chat.

NIKKI: DO NOT MIKE.

Elias: He does need to hear this.

SpiderWoman: Add him back, they don't get along.

NoSpiralRights has added Simon Fairchild to the chat.

Simon Fairchild has changed his nickname to SkyLover

SkyLover: GERTRUDE!

GR: Fuck. Is it too late to die for real?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: I can help with that.

M1CH43L: fffuck off, she k1ll3d me, i gEt first bl00d.

FuckTheEye: Hey, question Nikola.

NIKKI: I Am Not Leaving!

FuckTheEye: Bloody hell.

Death: You've been clowned?

FuckTheEye: SHE WON'T LEAVE AND SHE BROUGHT HER SHITTY XYLOPHONE

GrahamCracker: Is she playing the song?

FuckTheEye: YES SHE'S PLAYING CARMALADASSAN! I JUST WANT TO HAVE MY TEA IN PEACE!

Danimals: Nikola, you bought a xylophone?

Danimals: Sounds fun.

GrahamCracker: Mike, I apologize for your bad taste, but Carmeladassan slaps.

NoSpiralRights: ON A XYLOPHONE?

Danimals: It slaps man.

SkyLover: Oh, there are some unfamiliar faces here now?

Danimals: Hey man, nice to meet you. I'm Daniel Stoker

Danimals: Ur the guy everyone said committed horny crimes, right?

SkyLover: .

NoSpiralRights: lol

Death: Vibechecked straight to Hell.

GR: It's what he deserves.

M1CH43L: You des,,, des3rve,, it t00

GR: Michael, shut up.

FuckTheEye: Excuse me.

FuckTheEye: Say that again hag I dare you.

SpiderWoman: Nikola, I can sense you've got smthing to share w/ us?

WormOffTheString: Oh, worm?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Do tell 👀

Elias: Stop using the eye emoji in the groupchat, it gives me a headache.

Bones: 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Plukas: 👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁

Elias: This is why we're getting divorced.

GR: You two are still getting remarried? Don't you two have better things to do?

Elias: I wish that gun had killed you.

GR: And I wish you weren't such a little bitch, Jonah.

SpiderWoman: 👁👄👁

NoSpiralRights: Man, can't believe Gertrude just killed Elias.

Death: The man had passed on. Rest in pain, Elias.

GrahamCracker: Elias just fucking died.

Bones: i want his ribs

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: You can have them King.

M1CH43L: b@stard mAn deAD in LoNd0n, MuRRdered b y the MonSter heEE cre@t3d.

Plukas: Does this mean I don't have to bother w/ a lawyer?

SkyLover: Jonah Magnus, you will not be missed.

Danimals: Lol

NIKKI: I Have The Photo For His Obituary!

NIKKI: [id: a younger Elias Bouchard, dressed head up like a stereotypical scene kid. I'm talking about too many bracelets, neon colors, shittily-dyed hair, the works.]

Plukas: Nikola. Where'd you find that and can you find more?

SpiderWoman: Oml that is glorious.

Elias: That is not me. You all are aware that was before I stole this body, right?

SkyLover: Jonah Magnus was a scene kid confirmed.

GR: I think the new archivist is done having a crisis. I'll be going now.

FuckTheEye: Jonah makes fun of ME for being a goth and this fucker probably said "rawr means I love you in dinosawr XD"

M1CH34L: Sc3ne,,, kInd@ slaPped thoo

SpiderWoman: Scene kids are valid but Elias hates it and thus we will be torturing him with it.

Elias: I demand that you stop this at once.

FuckTheEye: Then kill me.

SpiderWoman: Make me.

NIKKI: No 💖

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Everyone make Scenelias your pfp.

WormOffTheString: ^^^

Bones: this is funny

Death: We, as a collective, bully Elias ASMR (1:25)

GrahamCracker: I'm making this into a full-sized poster

Death: Really?

GrahamCracker: Bet.

Danimals: Hey guys, Elias was probably in a cover band, I can feel it.

NIKKI: !!!!!!!!!!

SkyLover: I'm showing this at the next donor meeting.

WormOffTheString: I love this family.

NoSpiralRights: Simon, if you do please record his reaction.

SkyLover: 🖒🖒🖒

Plukas: Nothing makes someone lonelier than being harassed by their dearest friends. I love it.

Elias: I hate you all.

Georgie Barker to Melanie King

3:30 P.M.

Georgie Barker: Hello sweetheart, having a good day?

Melanie King: Yep! Enjoying the sights before I head off to this haunted site. How are you?

Georgie Barker: Doing good. TA misses you :/

Melanie King: Cat tax?

Georgie Barker: [id: a picture of The Admiral lying across Georgie's lap, a pen clutched in his mouth.[

Melanie King: I love him 😢

Georgie Barker: (I love you 😀)

Melanie King: I-

Melanie King: I love you too 💖💞💖

Georgie Barker: You hear the new ep. yet?

Melanie King: I'll listen to it on the bus <3

Georgie Barker: You'll like it! Picked the story out just for you.

Melanie King: God, I wanna hug you.

Georgie Barker: <3

Melanie King: <3

Nikola Orsinov to Georgie Barker

4:02 P.M.

Nikola Orsinov: I Have Decided That Since You Are Jon's Friend You Should Also Be Mine! So I Am Inviting You To Movie Night!

Nikola Orsinov: It Used To Be Called Girl's Night (Our Excuse To Not Invite Simon Or Elias), But Micheal And Gerry Come Along Now Too and Sometimes Mike. So It's Movie Night, Even Though We Don't Always Do Movies. Couldn't Really Call It Girls and Guys Night With Micheal and Gerry There So...

Nikola Orsinov: Oh, I'm Ranting Again! Sorry!

Georgie Barker: Nikola, trust me it's fine.

Georgie Barker: Sounds fun. What are you all watching?

Nikola Orsinov: It's Ghibli Night!

Georgie Barker: Awesome. Send me the address and I'll swing by!

Nikola Orsinov: Awesome! :D

Archive's Chat

7:32 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: I realized who the old man who lives in the tunnels is.

Tim Stoker: Who?

Jonathan Sims: Jurgen fucking Lietner.

Sasha James: Oh. Really?

Sasha James: Haha I'm gonna call a friend real quick.

Jonathan Sims: Sasha...what are you doing?

Sasha James: Don't worry about it <3

Martin K. Blackwood: Are we

Martin K. Blackwood: Are we beating him up?

Sasha James: Yeah 💞

Tim Stoker: Guys. This is the perfect time to share something my brother's friend's friend sent him.

Tim Stoker: To quote: "JURGEN LIETNER? STUPID FUCKING DUMBASS BOOK-KEEPING WRINKLY TRASHBAG LIETNER? AVATAR OF THE FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT? EVIL BASTARD JURGEN LIETNER?

FUCK HIM I HATE HIM SO SO SO SO SO MUCH THAT WRINKLY JACKASS MAKES ME WANT VIOLATE THE GENEVA CONVENTION! HE INSPIRES ME TO COMMIT CRIMES THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN. I'LL KILL HIM. I WILL END THIS MANS LIFE, WHY DID HE DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT?

WHY HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP BOOKS? IS HE INTO IT? HUH? DOES HE HAVE SOME SORT OF WEIRD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CONCEPT OF HIS OWN MORTALITY, HUH? DOES HE ENJOY KILLING PEOPLE WITH THOSE FUCKED UP BOOKS?

IT'S THE HUBRIS FOR ME. IT'S THE SINCERE LACK OF BASIC HUMAN DECENCY. IT'S THE FUCKED UP AMOUNT OF CURSED FUCKING TREE CORPSES HE LUGS AROUND FOR THE FUN OF IT? HUH? DID HE THINK HE WAS DOING SOMETHING HOARDING HIS SHITTY ASS BOOKS?

HE'S WORSE THAN SIMON. WORSE THAN ELIAS. WORSE THAN THE EYE ITSELF. HIS EXISTENCE IS DISRESPECTFUL TO THE VERY CONCEPT OF JUSTICE. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL HE DIES A PAINFUL DEATH. I BEAT HIM UP ONCE AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

IF SOMEONE HELD A KNIFE UP TO MY NECK AND SAID I'D EITHER TELL JURGEN LIETNER I DON'T HATE HIM OR DIE, I'D EMBRACE DEATH WITH NO REGRETS. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM SO MUCH, FUCK."

Jonathan Sims: Mood.

Martin K. Blackwood: He do be a menace.

Jonathan Sims: His fucked up books ruined my childhood.

Tim Stoker: ?

Jonathan Sims: Almost got eaten by a giant spider.

Martin K. Blackwood: WHAT?

Sasha James: God this group chat never fails to live up to my expectations.

Jonathan Sims: Anyway, I will leave the Archives unlocked for you Sasha.

Tim Stoker: Working late?

Jonathan Sims: Gertrude wanted to brief me on some things, that's all. Good night everyone.

Sasha James: Good night!

Tim Stoker: Night boss!

Martin K. Blackwood: JON? GIANT SPIDER?

Jonathan Sims is offline.

Martin K. Blackwood: JON?!??!?!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Archive For Cool People Only  
> BigBrain: Sasha James  
> VastlySuperior: Tim Stoker  
> Mahtin: Martin
> 
> Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
> GR: Gertrude Robinson  
> NIKKI: Nikola  
> M1CH43L: Michael Shelley  
> Elias: Elias.  
> PLukas: Peter Lukas  
> NoSpiralRights: Mike Crew  
> GrahamCracker: Graham Folger  
> Death: Oliver Banks  
> FuckTheEye: Gerard Keay  
> Bones: Jared Hopworth  
> SpiderWoman: Annabelle Cane  
> WormOffTheString: Jane Prentiss  
> WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Jude Perry  
> Danimals: Daniel Stoker  
> SkyLover: Simon Fairchild


	5. Maybe Someone Should...Kill El*as?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, this is self indulgent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Murder/Death mention, injury mention, spider mention
> 
> Me, making this chapter to procrastinate on my zine piece; 👁

Archive's Chat

9:22 A.M

Jonathan Sims: I have an announcement to make.

Tim Stoker: Oh?

Martin K. Blackwood: What is it?

BigBrain: ^^^

Jonathan Sims: We have a new coworker.

Tim Stoker: HYPE TRAINNNN

Sasha James: WE DO?

Martin K. Blackwood: That's nice! It always helps to have a few extra hands around here. 

Tim Stoker: I hope they're cool. 

Sasha James: They're working in the Archives, of course they're cool.

Jonathan Sims: I can confirm, she is very cool.

Tim Stoker: You know the new girl?

Martin K. Blackwood: ^^

Jonathan Sims: She's a friend of mine. 

Sasha James: Oh, really? Who????

Martin K. Blackwood: What's her name so I can look her up on Facebook and add her?

Tim Stoker: ^^^

Jonathan Sims: Melanie King.

Sasha James: Wh

Tim Stoker: MELANIE KING OF GHOST HUNT UK FAME?!

Martin K. Blackwood: THE GHOST HUNTING YOUTUBER?!?!

Sasha James: Does this mean the show's gone for good? Fuck! I liked that one!

Tim Stoker: AN ACTUAL CELEBRITY IN OUR ARCHIVES?!

Jonathan Sims: Yes, that Melanie King

Tim Stoker: HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?!

Sasha James: No srsly, spill???

Jonathan Sims: She's dating my best friend.

Tim Stoker: MELANIE KING HAS A PARTNER? WHAT?

Sasha James: Wait, Jon

Martin K. Blackwood: Tim, she's had a gf since season 7??? How did you miss that?

Tim Stoker: LOOK, I WAS FOCUSED ON THE GHOSTS MARTIN

Sasha James: JON?! YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH GEORGIE BARKER? 

Jonathan Sims: Yes? Have I not mentioned her before?

Sasha James: GEORGIE BARKER FROM WHAT THE GHOST?! THAT GEORGIE BARKER?

Jonathan Sims: Yes, we've known each other since Uni? I swear I've mentioned her before.

Tim Stoker: YOU HAVE NOT

Sasha James: JON IM CRYING OML WTH?

Jonathan Sims: Please do not cry.

Tim Stoker: DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER FAMOUS GHOST FRIENDS WE SHOULD KNOW ABT?

Sasha James: I'm so emotional,,, Jon has friends and said friends are fa mous

Tim Stoker: Wait

Tim Stoker: The other day

Tim Stoker: You mentioned that your friend Melanie stabbed you

Jonathan Sims: .

Sasha James: Jon

Sasha James: Jon, have you been stabbed by famous ghost youtuber Melanie King of Ghost Hunt UK fame?

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: Perhaps.

Tim Stoker: I-

Martin K. Blackwood: Well, this is turning into an exciting day. I think we all need some tea :)

Jonathan Sims: Right, thank you Martin. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh yeah, that reminds me. Jon?

Jonathan Sims: Yes?

Martin K. Blackwood: GIANT SPIDER?!

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: Sasha, Gertrude wants to see you

Sasha James: I'll be right there <3

Tim Stoker: Martin, ur never getting an answer :/

Tim Stoker: Im still in shock that Jon has been stabbed by a celebrity

Martin K. Blackwood: GIANT SPIDER?!

Jonathan Sims: I have a statement to record :)

Tim Stoker: ASKNSOSNSGANAJSMSB THE SMILEY 😂

Sasha James: King said: No 💖

Tim Stoker: We love you Jon :p

[Deleted] Jonathan Sims: You too.

Jonathan Sims: I think you're off hold, Tim. 

Tim Stoker: OH FUCK.

Sasha James: lol 

Melanie King to Georgie Barker

9:56 A.M. 

Melanie King: I got a job and also got shot

Georgie Barker: I'M SORRY?!

Georgie Barker: YOU GOT WHAT?! 

Melanie King: A Job.

Georgie Barker: NO, SMARTASS, I MEAN YOU GOT FUCKING SHOT? EXCUSE ME? WHEN? HOW? WHY?

Melanie King: Gh

Melanie King: Ghost gun.

Georgie Barker: .

Georgie Barker: Say sike rn.

Melanie King: I got shot by a WW1 ghost.

Georgie Barker: I- ARE YOU OKAY?

Melanie King: Well, I've been shot.

Georgie Barker: B A B E

Melanie King: I know, I know, I have to stop fighting ghosts. I'm not dead tho soooo...win/win?

Georgie Barker: Are you still good to work? Do you want me to come get you???

Melanie King: I'm fine love. Jon removed the bullet and patched it up so I'm good to go.

Georgie Barker: He

Georgie Barker: Melanie, did you just say that Jon removed the bullet?

Melanie King: Yeah, he could See it I think

Melanie King: Are we ever gonna tell him abt the entities or are we just gonna let him think this is Normal?

Georgie Barker: Would he even believe us? He still is convinced Jane Prentiss just has a nasty parasite.

Melanie King: Probably not lmao. But hey, for now at least I got the bullet removed. Speaking of Jane, tell her Hi for me.

Georgie Barker: If I see her I will but she's been quiet the past few days.

Melanie King: Oooh, don't like that :/

Georgie Barker: Good luck with the new job? Let me know if you need me to take you to U.C. xx

Melanie King: I will, love you! xx

Georgie Barker: Wait, where's the new job?

Melanie King: Magnus Institute.

Georgie Barker: Wait

Georgie Barker: Mel???

Melanie King is offline

Georgie Barker: THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE? MEL?!

Basira Hussain to Annabelle Cane

10:34 A.M.

Basira Hussain: Come get your safety hazard.

Annabelle Cane: She's not *my* safety hazard. She's hardly even a friend.

Basira Hussain: Honestly don't care. Nikola's scaring my coworkers and I need this job.

Annabelle Cane: Tell her to leave yourself?

Basira Hussain: I don't have Web powers, Cane. 

Annabelle Cane: I mean

Annabelle Cane: You could ::::) 🕷🕸

Basira Hussain: I am NOT joining The Web. We have been over this. 

Annabelle Cane: Awww, come on! You'd like it!

Basira Hussain: I'm not joining a cult!

Annabelle Cane: ::::(

Basira Hussain: Please just come get Nikola.

Annabelle Cane: Fine 😔 Tell Nik I'm coming to pick her up. 

Basira Hussain: Will do! Thank you.

Annabelle Cane: It's no problem,,,, I guess. 

Basira Hussain: :)

Avatars With Rights (And Elias)

12:30 P.M.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: I'm adding some hunters. For chaos reasons.

SkyLover: 'chaos reasons'

NoSpiralRights: Its ok you can just say 'i want them to kill Elias'

WormOffTheString: haha

Bones: are you,,, adding daisy?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Duh. Why do you care?

Bones: she,,, wants to kill me?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Sounds like a you problem

NIKKI: Be Nice To Jared, Jude! He's Trying His Best

M1CH43L: No Jared h4ters iN the c7at :(((

FuckTheEye: Be! Nice! 

Elias: Do not add hunters to the group chat, Jude.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit has added three people to the chat

Julia Montauk: Hello.

Trevor Herbert: Gdi no, no I said no more of these Julia. I'm too old for this shit.

Alice Tonnor: GROSS.

Alice Tonnor has changed her name to ThatsRuffBuddy

ThatsRuffBuddy: Better 

ThatsRuffBuddy: Anyway, hello Elias :) 

ThatsRuffBuddy: Drop your location :)

Elias: No

GR: Don't be a pussy Elias.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: PAMALAMAMSPWMA I- GERTRUDE???

Trevor Herbert: I thought Gertrude died?

M1CH43L: Sadly,,, sh3 is @live.

GrahamCracker: Don't be a coward Elias, drop your address.

Death: Drop it. Do it. 

FuckTheEye: Let the Hunters into your life, Elias :)

Elias: They will attempt to kill me, Gerard.

NIKKI: And?

SpiderWoman: And?

FuckTheEye: God I hope they do.

ThatsRuffBuddy: I want you to die. I want to be the one to kill you. Make it happen

Julia Montauk has changed her username to FuckTheDark

FuckTheDark: Anyway, this is Dark avatar hate hours

ThatsRuffBuddy: OH, JARED'S HERE TOO? Hey buddy, drop the address.

Bones: no. you will kill me.

ThatsRuffBuddy: You have tried to take my friend's ribs SIX TIMES.

Bones: he's being stingy. i just want one rib. 

NIKKI: Whose rib?

Bones: jonathan sims

NIKKI: I'll Ask! Maybe He'll Say Yes!

Trevor Herbert: Elias you bastard, stop watching me I will take your eyes I will remove them god help me.

Elias: My apologies, Trevor.

GR: God I hate you, shut the fuck up Andrew Carnegie kinnie.

FuckTheEye: ANDREW CARNEGIE AKAMALMALAMA

M1CH43L: i wwwwould laugh but 1 hateee y0u >:[

Trevor Herbert: Anyways Gertrude, you heard from Adelard? He was due to help with the rot colony last week and he never showed up.

FuckTheDark: I still smell like ammonia. 

GR: Oh, he's dead.

FuckTheEye: God I wish that was me

Death: Kin

Danimals: Fat mood.

GrahamCracker: Oh my god you guys.

FuckTheDark: Ah fuck. He was a decent hunter. Well, it be like that sometimes.

M1CH43L: G e r r y

FuckTheEye: I said what I said 

Death: Elias, do me a favor and stop typing. 

GR: He's been typing for sixteen fucking minutes.

SpiderWoman: Delete that text Elias.

Elias: .

Elias: Fuck you.

Elias is offline.

FuckTheEye: HOLY SHIT ANNABELLE. 

NIKKI: He Left! Fucking Baby!

Trevor Herbert has changed his nickname to VampHunter

VampHunter: I hope he never comes back.

ThatsRuffBuddy: I want to commit homicide

Death: Go do it. Do it. Kill Elias.

ThatsRuffBuddy: FUCKING BET.

Death: Daisy I feel the need to warn you that hr doesn't have any roots.

ThatsRuffBuddy: fuuuuuuuuuck.

SpiderWoman: We should go bowling

FuckTheDark: !!!!!

M1CH43L: bowling,,, alley carpet :]

FuckTheEye: Micheal (handshake emoji) Me

FuckTheEye: Wanting to look like bowling alley carpet

Danimals: God fucking mood

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Is this some millennial shit?

FuckTheEye: No thoughts just bowling alley carpet

SkyLover: Entertaining.

Danimals: Will looking like bowling alley carpet get me a date? Hell yeah it will. No thoughts just bowling carpet.

M1CH43L: 3v3ryone loOks goOd in b0wLing aLL3y cArp3ttt.

WormOffTheString: this is such a weird thing for all of us to like. I like it.

SkyLover: Ur single, Daniel? 

GrahamCracker: We should get some bowling alley carpet for the flat, Oliver :D

NIKKI: Simon. 

Danimals: Ye. 

SpiderWoman: Wait. Wait. Simon do fucking not.

SkyLover: How do you feel about heights? 

NoSpiralRights: Simon plz ur like 95.

GR: Oh, gross. Awful. Horrible. I'm quitting.

Danimals: I like them! But like, are you hot though?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Haha, Daniel. That's funny.

SpiderWoman is offline.

FuckTheEye: i will pay to have Simon killed.

VampHunter: Really?

FuckTheDark: We lost another one.

NoSpiralRights: S i m o n

SkyLover: pm me? 

Danimals:🖒

SkyLover: :)

GrahamCracker: Okay, but get that bag Danny?

Death: G R A H A M

NIKKI: I'm Muting The Chat To Recover

  
  


Archive's Chat

6:34 P.M.

Martin K. Blackwood has added Melanie King to the chat.

Melanie King: Oh, hello 

Jonathan Sims: Ah, Melanie, welcome.

Tim Stoker: How was your first day on the job?

Martin K. Blackwood: Hello Melanie!

Sasha James: Welcome to the chat. Now, we could get to know you over text orrrrrr...

Tim Stoker: Pub?

Martin K. Blackwood: Pub!

Sasha James: :)

Jonathan Sims: I suppose.

Jonathan Sims: Let me get my things in order.

Sasha James: Awesome! Love you all, see you in like 5 minutes.

Tim Stoker: xx

Martin K. Blackwood: ^^^ :))

Sasha James: :)

[Deleted] Jonathan Sims: You too.

Melanie King: See you guys in a minute then. Let me just let Georgie know.

Sasha James: 🖒

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

6:45 P.M.

Georgie Barker: Check Twitter. Do it.

Jonathan Sims: ???

Georgie Barker: Trust me

Jonathan Sims: Alright.

Jonathan Sims: Wh

Jonathan Sims: WHAT IS THIS?!

Jonathan Sims: [id: A tweet from a user named 'bhussainxx' that reads "People will claim to be smart and then tell me they think life-threatening situations are fun and exciting -_-"]

Jonathan Sims: Is she SUBTWEETING ME?

Georgie Barker: slakapmslsm YOU SAID THAT FR??? 

Jonathan Sims: GEORGIE MY REPUTATION

Georgie Barker: What reputation?

Jonathan Sims: I cannot BELIEVE she's bringing that up I was DRUNK and IN COLLEGE .

Georgie Barker: </3

Jonathan Sims: >:(

  
  


Responsible Friends On Main

7:00 P.M.

Jonathan: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SUBTWEETED ME BASIRA.

Basira: To be fair, it was true.

Daisy: You subtweeted Jon?

Graham: Good, man needs a little more bullying in his life.

Jonathan: G R A H A M. 

Georgie: 😔 Stop bullying Jon everyone

Melanie: No <3

Jonathan: Istg I'm unfriending all of you.

Graham: Nooo don't block me >_<

Daisy: Basira said Jon has no rights

Jonathan: I hate this.

Georgie: We know

Basira: We know <3

Graham: :))

Jonathan: Fuck all of you :/

Georgie: Ur Ace tho?

Graham: Aren't you Ace?

Melanie: I'm a lesbian

Basira: No thank you

Daisy: God you guys that joke is so overused.

Jon: Melanie I swear I'm making you pay for the first round tonight

Melanie: Whatever coward, you'll be drunk with like 2 sips of ur beer and I know it.

Georgie: Have fun you two, stay safe, NO MORE RIVERS JON.

Jonathan: Yes, yes. 

Melanie: She didn't say no arson tho :)

Jonathan: NO ARSON

Melanie: :) 

Melanie is offline

Jonathan: Between her and Martin, I think the Institute is going to be up in flames by the end of the week

Daisy: Good.

Basira: Good.

Jonathan: Basira? Daisy?

Daisy: 💖

Basira: Sometimes murder is okay. 

Georgie: Big mood!

Jonathan: Guys???

Graham: Oh Jon 😔 You're so innocent.

Daisy: Commit murder. Do it Jon.

Basira: Kill Elias! 

Jonathan: ????

Basira and Daisy are offline

Jonathan: GUYS?!?!

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
> GR: Gertrude Robinson  
> NIKKI: Nikola   
> M1CH43L: Michael Shelley  
> Elias: Elias.  
> PLukas: Peter Lukas  
> NoSpiralRights: Mike Crew  
> GrahamCracker: Graham Folger  
> Death: Oliver Banks  
> FuckTheEye: Gerard Keay  
> Bones: Jared Hopworth  
> SpiderWoman: Annabelle Cane  
> WormOffTheString: Jane Prentiss  
> WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Jude Perry  
> Danimals: Daniel Stoker  
> SkyLover: Simon Fairchild  
> VampHunter: Trevor Herbert  
> FuckTheDark: Julia Montauk  
> ThatsRuffBuddy: Daisy Tonnor


	6. Mom Said Its My Turn With The Archivist! >:(

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine they have a time share when it comes to Jon rights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this shit. Writing this fic increases my life span. Uh, no CW's as far as I can tell. Fuck Elias. Let me know if I need to add any warnings for this chapter. Also, unclench your jaw and drink some water.

Archives Chat  
8:34 A.M.

Tim Stoker: Guys. This weekend. Karoke. You up for it?

Sasha James: HELL YEAH I AM. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Sounds fun! :D

Jonathan Sims: Sounds like fun. I'll see if I can make it. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Melanie?

Melanie King: Sounds gun.

Melanie King: *fun

Melanie King: Can I invite Georgie?

Tim Stoker: Sure

Tim Stoker: Should I invite Danny, y/y?

Sasha James: Hell yeah babe, lets us meet the family.

Tim Stoker: Then you Invite ur sister, coward.

Martin K. Blackwood: Sasha has a sister?

Sasha James: FOR THE LAST TIME TIM, THE NOT!THEM IS NOT MY SISTER SHE TRIED TO EAT ME.

Tim Stoker: She's cool tho

Martin K. Blackwood: WHAT?!

Melanie King: The archive's sure are lively.

Martin K. Blackwood: You can't invite the Not!Them to karoke!

Jonathan Sims: Who is Not!Them?

Tim Stoker: A friend

Martin K. Blackwood: Eats you and steals your identity.

Martin M. Blackwood: Sasha says it lives in the flat next door. Really like furniture. Has tried to become Sasha on multiple ocassions, but apparently becoming Sasha hurts.

Sasha James: We be incomprehensible <3

Melanie King: Fun :)

Jonathan Sims: I do not understand.

Tim Stoker: Sorry King.

Sasha James: I'm not inviting the Not!Them. That's final.

Tim Stoker: Fiiiine :( 

Martin K. Blackwood: Fuuuuck, did you see the new company email?

Sasha James: Not yet?

Melanie King: Checking it now.

Tim Stoker: BLOODY FUCKING BASTARD.

Sasha James: DRESS CODE MY ASS. FUCK HIS DRESS CODE. THIS IS IS SPIRALPHOBIA.

Tim Stoker: 'Some inappropriate clothing options include: Hawaian shirts" THIS IS BI PH O B I A

Melanie King: God I hate the wrinkly bastard why did I take this job?

Sasha James: Me everyday.

Martin K. Blackwood: I'm burning this fucker down.

Tim Stoker: DO IT

Tim Stoker: But also, I'm making him fall down the stairs.

Jonathan Sims: Please do not discuss murdering Elias over text. No paper trails.

Sasha James: PAMAPSMPSMS

Melanie King: THAT'S OUR BOY! 

Melanie King: But also, Martin, arson?

Martin K. Blackwood: Yes!!!!

Melanie King: Fuck it, let's do it.

Sasha James: HELL YEAH, ARSON.

Jonathan Sims: Ah. Elias wants to see me.

Tim Stoker: RIP

Sasha James: Good luck, we'll miss you.

Melanie King: We'll avenge you <3

Tim Stoker: Sorry love xx good luck

Jonathan Sims: Thank you.

Gertrude Robinson to Jonathan Sims  
9:23 A.M.

Gertrude Robinson: Don't go meet with Elias. We have work to do.

Jonathan Sims: ???? Ms. Robinson, I can't just ignore a summons from my boss. 

Gertrude Robinson: Just Gertrude is fine, no need for formalities. And yes, you can ignore Elias. 

Jonathan Sims: I mean, I suppose technically I could, but I rather like this job. I don't want to be fired.

Gertrude Robinson: You can't. 

Jonathan Sims: I'm sorry?

Gertrude Robinson: You can't be fired. Or quit. You're fine.

Jonathan Sims: I CAN'T QUIT?

Gertrude Robinson: Neither can your assistants. As long as the archivist is alive, you're bound here.

Jonathan Sims: I don't...believe you?

Gertrude Robinson: Try it. Quit.

Jonathan Sims: I

Jonathan Sims: Fucking hell. Fine, I'll come talk to you. Fuck Elias.

Gertrude Robinson: Thank you.

Archives Chat  
9:37 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: We can't quit. Or be fired.

Tim Stoker: What?

Jonathan Sims: We physically can't quit. Try it.

Sasha James: ????

Sasha James: FUCK.

Tim Stoker: wE CAN'T QUIT.?!?!?

Melanie King: I'M SORRY WHAT?

Melanie King: I CAN'T QUIT? I CAN'T QUIT?

Martin K. Blackwood: He can't fire me? Guess I'm commiting arson for real now.

Tim Stoker: HELL YEAH :D

Melanie King: I CANT QUIT? I CANT QUIT? WHAT THE FUCK?! HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE DECENT BENEFITS AND I CAN'T FUCKING QUIT?!

Sasha James: Holy shit has he made a mistake.

Martin K. Blackwood: We're stuck here with FUCKING ELIAS?

Jonathan Sims: I'm going into shock. 

Sasha James: Oh no no no. I'm not trapped in the Institute with Elias. HE'S trapped here with ME.

Martin K. Blackwood: Okay, you know what, mood.

Sasha James: He has trapped me here and he will regret it.

Tim Stoker: IF I CANT BE FIRED THEN FUCK THE DRESS CODE.

Sasha James: HELL YEAH KING, GO OFF.

Martin K. Blackwood: ARSON TIME BABY

Tim Stoker: Wait Martin, statements or the building?

Martin K. Blackwood: :)

Tim Stoker: MARTIN?!

Jonathan Sims: Martin if I need to leave please for the love of god let me know.

Martin K. Blackwood: Someone help me find all the statements that were written to Jonah Magnus

Melanie King: ???? Fuck yeah.

Jonathan Sims: I cannot believe this. Gertrude just said she'd help. I'm actually losing my mind.

Tim Stoker: LMAOOO I CANT BELIEVE IT, GO GRANDMA GO!

Martin K. Blackwood: HELL YEAH, WE LOVE THAT FOR HER.

Sasha James: Losing your mind? Sexy.

Melanie King: WH-

Tim Stoker: Q U E E N

Martin K. Blackwood: 0////0 she really said that.

Jonathan Sims: I-

Jonathan Sims: Thank you? I think?

Melanie King: 👁 Jon omg

Sasha James: Oh shit, sorry did that make you uncomfortable?

Jonathan Sims: No, no

Jonathan Sims: I mean

Jonathan Sims: A little?

Sasha James: I'm sorry! I won't do that again :)

Jonathan Sims: Thank you. Sorry about that.

Tim Stoker: You don't have to apologize?

Martin K. Blackwood: You can have boundaries Jon, it's fine!

Sasha James: ^^^^^

Jonathan Sims: Thank you. 

Sasha James.: Anyway, commit crime.

Tim Stoker: HELL YEAH, CRIME FAMILY! 

Martin K. Blackwood: CRIME FAMILY!

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: Crime family?

Melanie King: EYYYYYY SQUAD GOALS

Sasha James: Elias doesn't know what he's done <3

Martin K. Blackwood: Can't wait for the old bastard to die <3

Tim Stoker: KING SHIT.

Sasha James: OH FUCK WAIT ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION I FORGOT ITS DONOR MEETING DAY

Tim Stoker: Oh fuck. Brb hiding from Simon

Melanie King: ????

Sasha James: Donor days = Peter Lukas and Elias loudly making out in every corner of yhe building. we're going into lockdown 

Melanie King: Someone willingly kisses Elias? Ew.

Jonathan Sims: I have met Peter Lukas once. But honestly, makes sense. 

Jonathan Sims: Man reeks of bad taste.

Sasha James: PAMAPAMALMAPAMA

Tim Stoker: I fucking love that, drag him Jon!!

Martin K. Blackwood: I love this family.

Martin K. Blackwood to Annabelle Cane  
9:47 A.M

Martin K. Blackwood: I CAN'T FUCKING QUIT? ANNABELLE? DID YOU KNOW??! HUH? WHEN YOU GOT ME THIS JOB, DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

  
Annabelle Cane: Mayhaps.

Martin K. Blackwood: ANNABELLE?! [Read 9:49 A.M.]

Melanie King to Georgie Barker  
9:56 A.M.

Melanie King: Update on the new job: It's Spooky and I Can't Quit.

Georgie Barker: You can't quit? You like the new job then?

Melanie King: NO GEORGIE, I CANT QUIT. I'M TRAPPED IN THIS FUCKING JOB. I AM SUPERNATURALLY COMPELLED TO STAY.

Georgie Barker: YOU CAN'T QUIT?!

Melanie King: I CANT QUIT

Georgie Barker: fuuuuuck >_< RIP babe.

Melanie King: THIS ISNT FUNNY I DONT WANT TO BE TRAPPED IN A JOB WITH SHITTY BENEFITS 

Georgie Barker: I mean...can you get fired?

Melanie King: NO. THATS THE PROBLEM. I CANT LEAVE NO MATTER WHAT.

Georgie Barker: I mean if you cant get fired,,, and you're not paid hourly,,,

Melanie King: Wh

Melanie King: Holy shit, I can just not work

Georgie Barker: Also if you really wanna you can just,,, get a job and never come into the Institute,,,, Nothing is stopping you,,, whats he gonna do, fire you?

Melanie King: HELL YEAH! :D

Georgie Barker: Problem solved <3 

Melanie King: I love you

Georgie Barker: Love you too <3

Archives For Cool People Only  
10:45 A.M.

Mahtin: Hey uh, question

VastlySuperior: Yes?

Mahtin: Does anyone know a tall...buff goth?

VastlySuperior: What?

Mahtin: There's a tall goth standing in the archives. I came up from Artefact and he was just...there.

Mahtin: Should we be worried?

BigBrain: WAIT. WAIT WAIT. DOES HE HAVE EYE TATOOS?

Mahtin: Uh, yeah? 

BigBrain: That's Gerry!!! Michael's joyfriend!!!! 

Mahtin: Oh. He's dating uh...knifehands?

VastlySuperior: Oh! What's he doing in the institute? 

Mahtin: I dunno, let me ask.

Mahtin: He works with Gertrude sometimes.

Mahtin: Anyone seen that recent Lietner statement?

BigBrain: The one where the book turns you inside out?

Mahtin: Yeah lol

BigBrain: Its on Jon's desk, I believe.

Mahtin: Awesome, I'll tell them that

BigBrain: Gerry is really coool. You guys should be friends.

VastlySuperior: Wait, if he works with Gertrude, does that make him our coworker?

BigBrain: I mean...he never signed a contract so I don't think so. 

Mahtin: Did Gertrude even have assistants?

BigBrain: Michael.

VastlySuperior: Wait. Fuckhands Mckmike used to work here?

Mahtin: Elias hired the Distortion?!

BigBrain: Well, he wasn't the Distortion back then.

VastlySuperior: Wait. Wait. If we can't quit or be fired...and Micheal is still alive....

BigBrain: Wait

BigBrain: DOES MICHEAL STILL WORK HERE?!

Mahtin: Today is just the day of major revalations. 

VastlySuperior: Okay, came downstairs and saw Gerry. Holy shit they're' tall.

VastlySuperior: I want heels now.

Mahtin: Moood. Honestly seeing him in his goth,,,, I want to get out my punk gear.

BigBrain: MARTIN??? YOU HAVE PUNK CLOTHES? 

Mahtin: Yeah?

BigBrain: Holy shit,,, that would piss of Elias so much. Wear it!!!

Mahtin: Skskskkss Bet.

VastlySuperior: If Micheal is a coworker does that mean she needs to be in the groupchat?

Mahtin: Oh, it probably does. Add them!

BigBrain: ADDDDDDD XER! 

VastlySuperior: 🖒

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
11:28 A.M.

Elias: Gertrude, stop hogging my Archive.

GR: No.

Elias: Seriously? This is childish, Gertrude. I have to monitor his process and you are hindering it. 

GR: I am doing just fine monitoring his process myself. You can see him later, stay out of my archives.

Danimals: OH SHIT THE GRANDPARENTS ARE FIGHTINGGGG @here

SpiderWoman: Elias, you aren't winning this. 

GR: Give it up, Jonah, or I won't let you see him at all.

Elias: He is my archivist, Gertrude. This is incredibly unprofessional.

Death: Why does this sound like a custody battle between two divorcees?

GrahamCracker: Peter Lukas wishes he had the energy Gertrude does </3

NIKKI: Oh 👀! What Is This?

GrahamCracker: That is dangerously close to owo whats th

SpiderWoman: NO FURRY SHIT IN MY GROUP CHAT GRAHAM.

M1CH43L: thisss is amusinggg

GR: He's not 'your' archivist Jonah. He's a living being.

M1CH43L: oohhhh so NOW you car3 about the valueee of humaannn lifee >:[

FuckTheEye: You have NO ROOM to talk Gertrude.

Bones: why are you all like this?

SkyLover: Elias, perhaps this is a battleyou should not pick.

Elias: I can handle this without comments from the peanut gallery.

Danimals: Dude you sound like my dad. Stop that. Ur like 35, ur too young to be dad-ing around the place.

VampHunter: I want out. Seriously someone kick me from the chat.

FuckTheDark: No Trevor, this is fun >:(

ThatsRuffBuddy: @WhatCrimesWillSheCommit Elias vs. Gertrude custody battle 👀

Elias: Will you stop with that damn emoji?

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: 👀 No fuck you.

Bones: 👀👀👀

Elias: I don't have time for this. Gertrude, allow me to see my archivist or I will fire you. 

GR: Bitch you can't. And the last time you tried to kill me it didn't stick. Get fucked.

FuckTheEye: GERTRUDE?!

VampHunter: Good one.

Death: This is funnier when you consider the fact that they are fighting over a grown ass man.

NIKKI: Gertrude Does Not Get Sole Custody! I Am Also In The Rotation, And I Say Fuck You Elias, I Want Jon Next!

WormOffTheString: Guys, guys, black or blue curtains?

Bones: Black

NoSpiralRights: You woke me up for THIS Simon? Fuck you.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Getting new curtains luv?

WormOffTheString: Martin's are so shabby >:( 

NIKKI: Oooh! I Have Tablecloth! Does He Need One?

WormOffTheString: !!!

FuckTheEye: Fuck it, Nikola write me into the rotation I want custody as well

Elias: Absolutely not.

GR: Wait your turn, Elias.

Plukas: I think Martin's curtains are fine.

WormOffTheString: YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIEND LUKAS >:( IM HIP TO UR GAME.

NoSpiralRights: This is hell

SpiderWoman: Thats it, Im revoking everyones chat priveleges until you all can behave.

SkyLover: So, Danny, about that date...

ThatsRuffBuddy: I could solve the custody battle with murder. Let me kill him

Bones: i hate this family

Death: Annabelle please for the love of god mute the chat

FuckTheDark: SPEAKING OF GOD, WHO THE HELL SNITCHED ON ME TO MY ELDRITCH DIETY?!

SpiderWoman: See you all.

SpiderWoman has muted everyone for 20 hours.

Jonathan Sims to Nikola Orsinov  
3:45 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: Why are you calling me?

Nikola Orsinov: Invite The Gang To Karoke Night, Coward! Melanie Told Us! Let Us Meet Your Coworkers >:[

Jonathan Sims: Seriously? Do Oliver and Graham even want to go? And I know Daisy hated karoke.

Nikola Orsinov: Oliver Says He Wants To Meet Them!

Jonathan Sims: ....Fine. But we are NOT inviting that Simon guy from last time.

Nikola Orsinov: Wasn't Planning On It! He Shouldn't Have Even Been At Game Night! Fucker Crashed My Party! 

Nikola Orsinov: Thank You Jon :D

Jonathan Sims: Your welcome. 

Nikola Orsinov: Also, Eat Something Or I'm Telling Georgie.

Jonathan Sims: fucker

Nikola Orsiniv: >:[

Jonathan Sims: Fine >0/

Nikola Orsinov: :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAT NAMES  
> Archive For Cool People Only  
> BigBrain: Sasha James  
> VastlySuperior: Tim Stoker  
> Mahtin: Martin
> 
> Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
> GR: Gertrude Robinson  
> NIKKI: Nikola   
> M1CH43L: Michael Shelley  
> Elias: Elias.  
> PLukas: Peter Lukas  
> NoSpiralRights: Mike Crew  
> GrahamCracker: Graham Folger  
> Death: Oliver Banks  
> Homiesexual: Helen Richardson [DOESNT EXIST YET]  
> FuckTheEye: Gerard Keay  
> Bones: Jared Hopworth  
> SpiderWoman: Annabelle Cane  
> WormOffTheString: Jane Prentiss  
> WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Jude Perry  
> Danimals: Daniel Stoker  
> SkyLover: Simon Fairchild  
> VampHunter: Trevor Herbert  
> FuckTheDark: Julia Montauk  
> ThatsRuffBuddy: Daisy Tonnor


	7. Martin [REDACTED] Blackwood Needs Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Worm/Spider Imagery, mentions of murder/guns/violence, sex jokes (nothing super explict or directed at the Canon Ace Character but Simon...simons).
> 
> Hey put shitty food takes in my comment section because there WILL be a food discourse section. I'll go first: those little hard pretzels you eat as a snack with ketchup/ranch/honey mustard is the best combination known to man

Jane Prentiss to Martin K. Blackwood  
9:00 A.M.

Jane Prentiss: I bought you curtains! And got you something for your table. Also, get a lock Martin :/ 

Jane Prentiss: What if someone wanted to hurt you? :(

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh, you're in my flat again?

Martin K. Blackwood: And thank you for the curtains? You didn't have to do that, but it was nice of you

Jane Prentiss: You needed better curtains! Your old ones were all worn and old. They made me sad to look at.

Jane Prentiss: Oh! :D I brought your friends some food :3 They seem nice 

Martin K. Blackwood: Which ones? George and his family or the Brown family?

Jane Prentiss: I...do not know? 

Jane Prentiss: I am not a spider person and they did not speak

Jane Prentiss: Your new curtains are very nice! They are blue, I decided on blue. I thought about maybe picking orange or black but you seem like more of a blue person

Martin K. Blackwood: I don't mind blue.

Jane Prentiss: :D

Jane Prentiss: You need more blankets. This house is too cold for just a comforter. Seriously, it is so drafty. I can hardly stop shivering. It is not good growing conditions.

Jane Prentiss: You need to keep warm

Jane Prentiss: Do you like soup?

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh, yes actually.

Jane Prentiss: Good. I am making Soup. It is cold and you need Nutrients. Thus, Soup.

Martin K. Blackwood: um, thank you but you really don't have to.

Jane Prentiss: No, no, let me feed you. You need the vitamins and stuff! Ur still growing!!!!! 

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh right, uh, can I ask about that?

Jane Prentiss: Anna said to ask her later. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Okay! Um, thank you Jane

Jane Prentiss: <3 🐛🐛

Martin K. Blackwood: <3 🕷🕷

  
Archive's Chat  
9:25 A.M.

Tim Stoker has added Michael

Sasha James: EYYYYYY FUCKHANDS

Micheal: ffffuck you sasha stoppp itsss onlyy funny the f1rst t tttt ime.

Tim Stoker: Welcome to the 'Chives Mikey D

Jonathan Sims: I am once again asking for professionalism

Martin K. Blackwood: Over my dead body

Melanie King: KING-

Sasha James: JAMES

Tim Stoker: STOKER

Jonathan Sims: SIMS

Micheal: [REDACTED]

Melanie King: I hate it here.

Martin K. Blackwood: JONATHAN?!? 👁 MEMEING IN THE GROUPCHAT?!

Tim Stoker: You know, when they say take his name they usually mean last names, Martin.

Martin K. Blackwood: Jsusalam SHUT UP TIMTAM STOKE-ON-SIDE

Tim Stoker: No you shut up, Martin Kartin Blackwood.

Sasha James: 'Martin Kartin' SHUT UP KING THATS TOO FUNNY

Melanie King: What is Martin's middle name? Theorize.

Jonathan Sims: He seems like a Kennedy to me.

Sasha James: Kernel

Tim Stoker: Kaliope

Micheal: K A L I E DO SCOPE

Melanie King: Okay I actually like Kaliedoscope

Martin K. Blackwood: It's actually [REDACTED]

Sasha James: My name is legally 😐😑😐🛇🛇🛇🛇☠

Micheal: M yyyy leg4l nam3 is [text corrupted]

Tim Stoker: YOU CRASHED MY LAPTOP MICHAEL

Micheal: Ooppsp

Sasha James: How do we get any work done ever? 

Martin K. Blackwood: Tea anyone?

Jonathan Sims: I would like some if it isn't too much trouble.

Martin K. Blackwood: For you? Never.

Melanie King: 👁👄👁

Sasha James: Put a £ in the simp jar Martin.

Tim Stoker: Thats not a thing! Stop stealing my money Sasha!!

Sasha James: Stop simping Tim

Tim Stoker: Never

Michael: Ssssssimping is disgussting :))))) unlezss. itsss for gerrry 💞💞

Sasha James: Simp culture is only validating ur own simping

Melanie King: Hah imagine simping, couldnt be me

Tim Stoker: You texted the gc a whole damn essay abt your girlfriend yesterday

Melanie King: And? 

Sasha James: Did Gertrude just ask if any of us have done our reports? Wack. She's not even our boss

Martin K. Blackwood: Ewww she wants me to go follow up a FLESH statement? No thanks

Jonathan Sims: Someone has to do it, and as I dont trust Elias not to snoop while I'm out, it has to be one of you

Jonathan Sims: Speaking of Elias, if any of you see him, let me know he wants to meet today but I have been told it is "not his day"

Micheal: Gerrry has youuu today :)))) he saId thEre's a b00k he's afterrr

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: Alright then? 

Melanie King: ??? Not gonna ask.

Sasha James: Its better to just Go Along With It

Micheal: Alsoooo tell GertRude I haTe her 

Jonathan Sims: Why

Jonathan Sims: Why do you hate her???

Micheal: feddd my @$$ to the spiralllll

Jonathan Sims: I

Jonathan Sims: What does that mean????

Tim Stoker: Grandma has a gun

Micheal: :) Nothhhing

Tim Stoker: ELIAS SHOT GERTRUDE?!

Sasha James: Love, your missing the tea @Martin K. Blackwood

Martin K. Blackwood: I just finished making tea??? WAIT ELIAS DID FUCKING WHAT?!

Sasha James: Coward. He's an avatar and he has to use guns to commit murder? Pathetic.

Micheal: gertruddde deserveed it but alsooooo Eliassss is a BITCCCH

Sasha James: WHY THE FUCK IS ELIAS HERE? NO GROSS GO BACK TO UR CAVE MOTHERFUCKER

Martin K. Blackwood: Everyone look busy

Tim Stoker: Oh shit he just asked for Sasha and Jon rip

Melanie King: Im gonna stab him

Micheal: dddddo it %%)

Sasha James: Love you guys xxx see you when we get back (if Elias doesnt shoot us lol)

Martin K. Blackwood: Dont fucking die <3

Tim Stoker: xxx to you all as well

[deleted] Jonathan Sims: Have a good day 

Jonathan Sims: x

  
Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker  
9:56 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: Georgie please come tell me I'm overreacting

Georgie Barker: Depends, Jon. I'm not gonna let you ignore an actual issue but if it's Anxiety you know I got your back love.

Jonathan Sims: Georgie,,,,

Jonathan Sims: screenshot.jpg

Georgie Barker: Oh my god Jon. Its fine I promise!!! Im so proud of you actually, I know expressing affection can be difficult for you and this is!!!! such a great first step!!! 

Georgie Barker: Please don't overthink this. Your coworkers are probably thrilled

Jonathan Sims: You think so?

Georgie Barker: I know so. Go have a good day, okay?

Georgie Barker: Love you!!!

Jonathan Sims: You too.

  
Jonathan Sims to Nikola Orsinov  
10:30 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: karokenightinfo.doc

Nikola Orsinov: Oh! Thank You Jonny! :D

Jonathan Sims: You're welcome.

Nikola Orsinov: I Care You!

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: You too.

Nikola Orsinov: :)

  
Georgie Barker to Oliver Banks  
10:42 A.M.

Georgie Barker: Tell Nikki to add me to the google calendar, I'm taking Jon on sunday and monday after karoke so we can catch up and I dont want to get him 'kidnapped' until afterwards

Oliver Banks: Sunday was Elias's day

Georgie Barker: And?

Oliver Banks: Fair point. He had a day off on Tuesday so he doesn't get Overwhelmed by the social interaction, and Peter ALSO requested a day...so Elias won't get Jon till Thursday. He's going to murder all of us. 

Georgie Barker: He can fucking try

Oliver Banks: Fair.

  
Daniel Stoker to Tim Stoker  
10:45 A.M.

Daniel Stoker: Guess what?

Tim Stoker: Uhhhhh, you got a new modeling gig?

Daniel Stoker: Nope. I went on a date last night :D 

Tim Stoker: Oh really? With who?

Daniel Stoker: Simon Fairchild

Tim Stoker: Haha Danny, very funny

Daniel Stoker: :)

Tim Stoker: Oh no. No. Say sike right now.

Daniel Stoker: Lowkey he's kinda hot 0_0

Tim Stoker: You have awful fucking taste man

Tim Stoker: He looks like granddad but if he was white </3

Daniel Stoker: Maybe I like old white men >_>

Tim Stoker: .

Tim Stoker: I mean get that bag tho Danny. 

Daniel Stoker: PAMSJBSKSNALS TIM 

Daniel Stoker: I MEAN THATS WHAT I WAS DOING BUT YOU DIDNT HAVE TO GO FOR THE THROAT

Tim Stoker: Have fun dealing with Simon by yourself, wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy

Daniel Stoker: Lowkey want his skin. Think it'd be fun and powerful to use it 

Tim Stoker: Skskjanalama by all means, clown it up Danny. 

Tim Stoker: Can we talk later? I'm at work and Gertrude is giving me massive stink eye

Daniel Stoker: OFC. Love you <3

Tim Stoker: Love you too ❤

The Vastly Unprepared  
10:52 A.M.

Harriet: And THIS is why we don't fuck with Buried avatars anymore. Not worth the property damage. 

SkyGrandDaddy: I still think that was funny

MikeCrew: I HAD GRAVEL IN MY CLOTHES FOR WEEKS.

SunsOutGunsOut: Hey Simon

SunsOutGunsOut: Danny??? Really? What happened to that Angela? You too were cute as hell :/

SkyGrandDaddy: Did I tell you about Daniel already? Damn, there goes the only thing I had for the meeting tomorrow.

Harriet: Please stop talking about your love life at the meetings I'm begging you 

Tim Stoker: Daniel told me. I'd give you the 'older brother shovel talk' but you could kill me instantly so its lowkey not worth it

SkyGrandDaddy: Oh, Danny's your brother?

Tim Stoker: Yeah. Isn't Danny fantastic? I kive that man so much and if anything ever happened to him :) well, I didn't join the vast by accident

Harriet: Simon plz don't fuck around with Tim, I actually like him :/

MikeCrew: I truly wish Simon would stop dating all my friends. I am being outnumbered by Simon fuckers.

Harriet: I'm a Fairchild. How do you think I feel?

Tim Stoker: Mike could be a Fairchild too, Harriet

MikeCrew: Legit never say that again

MikeCrew: Simon for the love of god don't send that text I'm begging you I want one day off

SkyGrandDaddy: If he wants to hoe, let him hoe Mike. Besides, not like you didn't do the same thing <_<

SunsOutGunsOut: Oh lmao right, that did happen

SunsOutGunsOut: Honestly, I forgot how funny that Mike shit was. 

MikeCrew: Hey! Hey no! Go back to talking about Simon's love life! Please! Please let it die!

SunsOutGunsOut: Shut up grandpa fucker </3 the lack of taste

Harriet: I hate this fucking family.

SkyGrandDaddy: Mike has great taste ;) 

SunsOutGunsOut: You wanted to kiss Simon Mike, I'm going to hold that against you forever

MikeCrew: I DID NOT

SunsOutGunsOut: THREE MONTHS MIKE

MikeCrew: PISS OFFFFF

Harriet: HEY END CAN YOU JUST FUCKING KILL ME?

SkyGrandDaddy: And I'm going to leave, I have a meeting.

SunsOutGunsOut: Simon fucker

MikeCrew: ELIAS FUCKER

SunsOutGunsOut: SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPA

Harriet has kicked three people from the chat.

Harriet: I hate this fucking family. I'm changing my last name back.

  
Avatars With Rights (And Elias)  
3:35 P.M.

Elias: Daisy. I will never fall for this trick. Stop it.

ThatsRuffBuddy: Gdi

VampHunter: You cannot just mail yourself to your prey! Millenials are killing the Hunt I swear.

FuckTheEye: Boomer.

M1CH43L: Yyyyou'lllll getttttttt himmm someday

Bones: Elias

Bones: Eias

Bones: i want a rib

Plukas: Give him a bone Elias

Elias: NO

GR: Weak.

GR: But also, Daisy just use the tunnels

ThatsRuffBuddy: HELL YEAH GRANDMA

Elias: Don't encourage her.

FuckTheEye: Encourage her.

GrahamCracker: Encourage her! 

NIKKI: COMMIT MURDER DAISY

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: If Daisy kills Elias we all have to buy her a round

GR: Fair trade. Bring a melon-baller, 

M1CH43L: Iiii could also jussssssst g3t yoUU a d00r :))))

ThatsRuffBuddy: I love you guys. Class jokes from you all. Gonna go commit a murder now <3

Elias: Try me.

  
GR: Do it. Try him. 

NIKKI: Oh, We're Killing Elias? 

Elias: NO

GR: Yes

M1CH43L: yyyyesss

FuckTheEye: Hell yeah

FuckTheDark: Daisy, he shot Gertrude, what makes you think he won't shoot you?

GR: He didn't even kill me

Elias: GERTRUDE

Death: Daisy, take a lighter. Trust me.

Plukas: Elias keeps his window unlocked 

FuckTheEye: HE DOES?!

Elias: Peter I'm going to kill you

ThatsRuffBuddy: FUCK I FORGOT I HAVE A MATCH TONIGHT. No murder for me :/

GrahamCracker; I mean,,xx

ThatsRuffBuddy: I CANT KILL MY OPPONENTS GRAHAM

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Coward

SpiderWoman: You could if you weren't a coward

WormOffTheString: You need a Can Do attitude, Daisy!

Death: Same braincell gang

NoSpiralRights: If Elias keeps his window unlocked I can get you in Daisy

ThatsRuffBuddy: CLASS SOLIDARITY IN THE SOUP

VampHunter: I don't get memes anymore

FuckTheDark: Same here old man.

FuckTheEye: FUCK THE SLAUGHTER, THE ONLY WAR IS CLASS WAR

NoSpiralRights: Simon dont you FUCKING DARE

M1CH43L: Gerryyyy loveeellly beholderrr whyyyy i $ the b1nnn on firee???

FuckTheEye: I DROPPED MY LIGHTER BUT WE COOL ITS JUST GERTRUDE'S NOTES

GR: FUCKER

SpiderWoman: Simon I will ban you again don't test me

Danimals: Hey guys, anyone know a good mechanic? I got people in my engine again

Bones: if you kill elias I want a rib

Plukas: You going to kill me Jonah? Good. But you better kill me in one shot. Better make it quick. 

Elias: FUCK YOU PETER

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Is this how they flirt? 

WormOffTheString: Probably

SkyLover: I actually HAVE fucked the Slaughter, and I can attest 

SpiderWoman has kicked SkyLover

NoSpiralRights: I hate him so much

Death: Same

NIKKI: Old men have no rights

GR: GERRY GET YOUR PRICK ASS OUT OF THE TUNNELS

M1CH43L: EATTTAAD1CK ARCHIVISSST >:[

SpiderWoman: Go grandma go!

Death: Hey guys. Heads up,,,, Amherst is back in London

NIKKI: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

GrahamCracker: gross

SpiderWoman: Im muting the chat. I have a meeting. Amherst will have to wait.

Death: Wait Annabelle

SpiderWoman has muted the chat.

Responsible Friends On Main  
4:30 P.M.

Daisy: "This is MY emotional breakdown and I get to choose the music!" - Oliver, this morning over tea

Graham: HE SAID WHAT? >:( IS HE OKAY????

Melanie: Oh, big mood.

Georgie: NOT A MOOD MEL

Jonathan: Look, if I'm going to have a breakdown it is NOT going to be to some lame ass early 20's sad-pop garbage. If I'm crying it is GOING to be to Riptide.

Daisy: Exactly. Oliver said this and proceeded to blast Arsonist's Lullaby. Too Desolation for my tastes but like, fair play

Basira: I

Basira: 👁

Melanie: FUCKING EYE KINNIE

Basira: Shut UP I don't even SERVE the Beholding I just vibe with it

Graham: Gross, imagine sharing an Entity with Elias 😵

Graham: But also what the fuck is wrong with my boyfriend I will kill you

Daisy: He dropped his waffles and was being overly dramatic

Georgie: Not the waffles! >:(

Jonathan: Also, did Nikki send you all the kareoke info?

Georgie: Yes!

Melanie: We need to swap playlists for that, I dont want you fuckers stealing my songs

Graham: Dibs on Work Song

Basira: Oh FUCK YOU

Daisy: I want we fell in love in october and I will kill you for it Melanie

Melanie: Ugh, fine but i want nfwmb then

Georgie: Oh guys...by the way...look at this

Georgie: [id: the admiral sitting in a little cardboard throne, chewing in a plastic crown.

Jonathan: I love him more than you

Georgie: fair

Melanie: CAT CAT CAT CAT

Graham: Guys...we should buy a plane

Daisy: WE SHOULD BUY A PLANE!!!!

Basira: Guys omg NO 

Melanie: THE GANG PLANE

Georgie: Melanie where would we KEEP it

Melanie: Jon's flat

Georgie: A WHOLE ASS PLANE?!

Jonathan: I'm down

Graham: HELL YEAH

Basira: WE ARE NOT GETTING A PLANE.

Graham: Bought the plane

Melanie: YOU WHAT?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plane is a reference to Clown Balloon's and Sasha's Milk. I love this fandom for making me write things like that.


	8. Shut The Fuck Up Simon (STFUS)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy oh boy oh boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this good? Idk. Did I finish it? YES!

Jonathan Sims to Nikola Orsinov  
5:30 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: Is that you in my kitchen or should I call the cops?

Nikola Orsinov: KING?! WHY DID YOU TEXT ME THAT IF YOU THINK SOMEONE BROKE IN I-

Jonathan Sims: So its not you?

Nikola Orsinov: No, It Is Me! But Sir Your Self Preservation Skills Are Non-Existant!

Jonathan Sims: If I called the cops and it WAS you, would you have been mad?

Nikola Orsinov: Well, Yes But That Is Not The Point!

Nikola Orsinov: What If Someone Had Wanted To Hurt You >:(

Jonathan Sims: Not the first time

Nikola Orsinov: JON!

Jonathan Sims: Anyway, why are you here?

Nikola Orsinov: Pancakes :D

Jonathan Sims: Ah. Thank you, Nikola. 

Jonathan Sims: Please do not set my stove on fire again

Nikola Orsinov: That Was One Time!!!!

Jonathan Sims: Six. It was six times.

Nikola Orsinov: Rude! Say That To My Face, Coward!

Jonathan Sims: I should get ready for work anyways :/ 

Nikola Orsinov: COWARDICE. [Read 5:42 A.M.]

Nikola Orsinov: Bastard.

  
Archive's Chat  
8:45 A.M.

Tim Stoker: Got here early to leave traps for Elias

Sasha James: King shit. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh, fun. Did you get my gift? :3

Tim Stoker: Martin. I'm pretty sure those fireworks are illegal to own and wildly dangerous to set off in an enclosed space

Martin K. Blackwood: Okay. Your point?

Tim Stoker: KING IM NOT TRYING TO KILL HIM?! 

Melanie King: I am

M1CH43L: yyyyou shoUld

M1CH43L: Allssooo0 Sasssh@ addddd g3rrry you cowwwward

Sasha James: He doesn't work here! 

Martin K. Blackwood: Tim, just murder him. Do it.

Tim Stoker: DOMT FUCKING DOOOO THAT MARTO JESUS I HAD A HEART ATTACK

Sasha James: No Michael I'm not

Sasha James: I'm not adding him!

Martin K. Blackwood: Sorry :p

Sasha James: FINE. 

Sasha James has added Gerard Keay to the chat

M1CH43L: ffffinalyyy the v1bes are pErfec+

Gerard Keay: Ewww, my last name

Gerard Keay has changed their nickname to Gerry 

Tim Stoker: WE CAN CHANGE OUR NAMES?

Martin K. Blackwood: Damn it Gerry we were trying to keep that from him

Sasha James: Tim please don't do something stupid I love you please

Melanie King: Tim you better hurry Elias just got into the building Rosie intercepted him but you gotta haul ass 

Tim Stoker: HAULING ASS

Tim Stoker: I would like to thank Nikola for the cursed doll heads.

Sasha James: Did you get the glitter?

Tim Stoker: Yes, and I love your mind ur a GENIUS

Jonathan Sims: For legal reasons I have seen none of this.

Martin K. Blackwood: OAMSOAMAL J O N 

Gerry: Jon tell Gertrude to stop discriminating against my boyfriend and chasing them away from the archives

Gerry: He works here she literally can't tell her to leave :/

Sasha James: The Spiralphobia in the archives,,,, fucking disgustang

Martin K. Blackwood: Anyway, I'm throwing out this weird poster Tim got off ebay, I think its cursed

Tim Stomer: WAIT ARE YOU THROWING THE FLESH POSTER AWAY? LAME! Give itto me.

Melanie King: YOU CAN'T KEEP TAKING RANDOM ARTEFACTS HOME TIM YOU'LL DIE

Melanie King: Also Jon, Im not coming in today, tell Elias I'm investigating a statement or smthing

Jonathan Sims: Will do. Tim do NOT take the poster if it's cursed.

Tim Stoker: :/

Melanie King: Anyway, brb ghost has a gun

Melanie King is offline

Gerry: GERTRUDE STOP BULLYING MICHEAL CHALLENGE

Sasha James: This chat moves so fast </3

M1CH43L: ddddId mElaniE juuus+ say gH0ST gUn???

Martin K. Blackwood: Wait, MELANIE?!?!?

Jonathan Sims: If I have to do another surgery :/

Tim Stoker: ANOTHER SURGERY?!

Sasha James: Mel really said "Ghosts come kill me xoxoxo"

Gerry: RIP Melanie.

Martin K. Blackwood: GUYS THIS ISNT FUNNY?

Tim Stoker: SHIT I GOT CAUGHT FUCK-

Tim Stoker is offline

Jonathan Sims: TIM?!

  
Melanie King to Georgie Barker  
9:45 A.M.

Melanie King: Ur never gonna believe this

Georgie Barker: You dyed your hair again?

Melanie King: No, not yet but thanks for the reminder i gotta pick some up

Georgie Barker: You killed Elias?

Melanie King: Sadly no :((((

Georgie Barker: Lmao what is it?

Melanie King: I :) got shot again

Georgie Barker: wh

Georgie Barker: MELANIE?!?!?!? LOVE??? ARE YOU FUCKING OKAY???

Melanie King: Lol yeah, Jon is removing the bullet in like 5 min he's just looking for the anesthetic

Georgie Barker: BABY!!!! I'm coming to get you :(((

Melanie King: Oh :D Thank you sweetie

Georgie Barker: Does it hurt? How the hell did you get shot again?

Melanie King: Fucked around and found out. I wish I had a gun. Do you think Daisy will give me her spare? 

Georgie Barker: Babe,,, what if you just,,, stopped fighting ghosts??

Melanie King;: Tempting but,,,, I gotta know

Georgie Barker: I love you but you have to be more careful !!!!

Melanie King: I know, I know

Melanie King: See you soon?

Georgie Barker: Yeah, see you soon xx

Melanie King: x

  
BreekonHope to Nikola Orsinov and HopeBreekon  
10:13 A.M.

BreekonHope: Nikola

BreekonHope: Vow renewal is coming up. Did you get your invitation?

HopeBreekon: Did you?

Nikola Orsinov: I Did! I Am Very Excited! 

HopeBreekon: As are we!

BreekonHope: Do Not Tell Elias.

Nikola Orsinov: Oh Obviously Not! He'd Bring Peter! Can You Imagine Peter Lukas At A Vow Renewal? He Barely Participates At His Own Weddings!!! The Vibes Would Be Awful!

HopeBreekon: Great. You can bring Jon if you'd like.

BreekonHope: Jon is nice.

HopeBreekon: Daisy is not allowed to come.

BreekonHope: Daisy is Not Nice.

Nikola Orsinov: Oh, Daisy Isn't That Bad! She's Jon's Friend So Clearly She Has Taste! But I Won't Bring Her, Don't Worry! See You At Tje Show Tommorow! It's BYOFS (Bring Your Own Flesh Suits).

BreekonHope: Goodbye Nikola

HopeBreekon: Have a lovely day!

Nikola Orsinov: :D

  
Annabelle Cane to Basira Hussain  
11:27 A.M.

Annabelle Cane: I have a question.

Basira Hussain: Continue

Annabelle Cane: What the hell are croc boots and why has Daisy just asked me what color she should get?

Basira Hussain: Bloody hell.

Basira Hussain: They're these

Basira Hussain: [id: a pair of crocs, you know the holed sandals? Those but instead of sandals they're boots.]

Annabelle Cane: She 

Annabelle Cane: No. Absolutely not. I will MAKE her not buy them, I don't care if that's wrong those things look evil. I am an avatar of a fucking fear god and that scares me more than literally any of the other shit I've seen.

Basira Hussain: This is just like the plane istg

Annabelle Cane: THE WHAT?!

Basira Hussain: We have a plane now. 

Annabelle Cane: ::::

Basira Hussain: Anyway, tell her orange or green.

Annabelle Cane: I...okay, fine. Orange or green it is. But I am also telling her how much I jate them.

Basira Hussain: Fair enough.

Basira Hussain: Oh, right. Come get your spiders out of my living room or I'm getting out the Raid.

Annabelle Cane: RUDE

Basira Hussain: <3

Annabelle Cane: Ugh,,,,,,,, <3 ig

Basira Hussain: Yeah yeah I'm the worst IK

Annabelle Cane: See you

Basira Hussain: See you.

Daisy Tonnor to Melanie King  
2:30 P.M.

Daisy Tonnor: Mel why are you in my kitchen eating all my fucking crisps

Melanie King: Georgie is working on smthing with Basira so I'm just vibing

Daisy Tonnor: You're buying me a new bag :/

Melanie King: Bet. Lemme grab my keys

Daisy Tonnor: YOU JUST GOT SHOT YOU ARE NOT DRIVING?

Melanie King: Boo you whore, don't be responsible :((

Daisy Tonnor: I'm gonna strangle you give me ur keys and let me drive

Melanie King: Anger issues

Daisy Tonnor: POT TO THE KETTLE MEL

Melanie King: Lmao we need therapy

Daisy Tonnor: You

Daisy Tonnor: We both have therapists????

Melanie King: And?

Daisy Tonnor: Mel srsly are you sure you're fine? We can take you to UC if your feeling off

Melanie King: Its fine Jon took the bullet out

Daisy Tonnor: HOW MANY IMPROMPTU SURGERIES HAVE YOU HAD HIM DO?

Melanie King: Many. Come on let's go get crisps.

Daisy Tonnor: F

Daisy Tonnor: Fine :/ 

Melanie King: Heck yeah. 

  
Archive's Chat  
4:00 P.M.

VastlySuperior: Let's all go out and get something to eat tonite xx

Mahtin: Just the 3 of us? 

VastlySuperior: Uh, duh we're gonna take Jon

BigBrain: Am I the only one still hung up over,,, that lil 'x' :D,,,, King Shit

Mahtin: if I think about it for too long I wont finish my work so I have decided not to Think

VastlySuperior: Simp

Mahtin: Let me LIVE Tim Tam Tic Tac Stoke On Side

VastlySuperior: Okay Mahtin Kahtin Caliope Kaliedoscope Blackwood

BigBrain: Im blocking you fuckers

Mahtin: No you aren't ❤

BigBrain: Stawp

BigBrain: Where we eating?

VastlySuperior: Really, on a cosmic scale what do things like choices matter?

Mahtin: Shut UP Vast kinnie you'll give me a crisis

BigBrain: Just say you don't know and GO

VastlySuperior: I don't like CHOICES okay 

Mahtin: Same, I simply want to vibe

BigBrain: Fine, I'll pick &_&

Mahtin: Thank you Sasha <3

BigBrain: The things I do for my boys 

BigBrain: On a side note, had anyone checked on Lietner recently?

VastlySuperior: No. I think he's still scared of Martin tbh, he's hiding

Mahtin: He should be scared of me <3

BigBrain: King shit

BigBrain: Anyway, wanna see something funny?

VastlySuperior: Yes

Mahtin: Yes

BigBrain: One second

BigBrain: There :)

VastlySuperior: HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THEM GO

Mahtin: Gerry heard Lietner and just fucking booked it, we stan

BigBrain: Gerry beats up an old man ASMR (7:35)

Mahtin: I love the Archives

  
Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
7:33 P.M.

FuckTheEye: JURGEN FUCKING LIETNER WAS ALIVE AND NONE OF YOU SAID ANYTHING?!

M1CH43L: tttthatttt bast@rd is aliveeee???

Elias: He's what.

GR: Gerry you snitch shut up.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: The eye didn't tell you? Pffft

WormOffTheString: The Eye Plays Favorites and it does NOT like Elias </3

SkyLover: Imagine not being belived by your entity.

Elias: Shut up Simon.

NoSpiralRights: Gonna cry old man?

SpiderWoman: Elias has no rights as it should be.

GrahamCracker: This is why you aren't invited to Hope and Breekon's vow renewal.

NIKKI: DONT TELL HIM ABOUT IT?

ThatsRuffBuddy: They're having a vow renewal?

VampHunter: You all it's like 7 p.m. why are you going crazy?

GR: Trevor they're Always Like This

Danimals: We truly Are.

Bones: elias please die challenge

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Simon stop typing challenge.

WormOffTheString: Jude and I have a date night :/ domt do anything stupid pleaaaase 

NIKKI: Simon What Are You Typing?

SpiderWoman: Oh god.

WormOffTheString is offline

FuckTheDark: Simon I will hunt you dont fucking do it

SkyLover: That's the difference between you and I, Elias. Your "Beholding" only tolerates you so long as you provide it with fear. The Vast *loves* me in a way no mere human could ever truly comprehend. The Vast is my master, my one true love, my reason for existence. You treat the Eye like a tool. This is why we will never be the same. 

NoSpiralRights: JFC Simon

Elias: I fucking hate you. 

SpiderWoman: SHUT UP ELIAS AND SIMON. FUCK. FUCK IM BANNING YOU.

NoSpiralRights: I hope you die.

Death: God I wish he would.

Danny: Tim and I are gonna fucking kill you Elias. We're doing it.

SkyLover: Go off King 

NoSpiralRights: Oh god never say that again

NIKKI: Never Ever Ever Speak Again

Death: I fucking hate this family.


	9. The Tank Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if I gave the most chaotic person in the series a fucking tank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Death, violence, spider mentions, brief mention of cannabilism.
> 
> Punk Martin rights.

Archive's Chat  
9:00 A.M.  
Jonathan Sims: Will someone please come get the spider on my desk?

Martin K. Blackwood: I'll do it :D one second!

Gerry: Good morning folks, I was told there was a Lietner you all just picked up?

Sasha James: Oh yeah, the one that spits out rats? It's in Artefact.

Gerry: Thank you! 🖒

Jonathan Sims: I swear there was a spider on the desk like a second ago.

Jonathan Sims: This does not bode well for my health.

Martin K. Blackwood: They're very fast Jon, it probably just ran away.

Sasha James: Yeah, it's a spider. Buggers are impossible to catch

M1CH43L: 0r m4ybe u are goingggg crazy :)))

Gerry: Gertrude keeps Raid in the hall closet if you need some Jon

Jonathan Sims: Ah, thank you.

Tim Stoker: Jon, when's the last time you slept?

Gerry: What's sleep?

Jonathan Sims: Um

Jonathan Sims: I decline to comment.

Martin K. Blackwood: JON!!!! >:0

Gerry: Okay but mood

Sasha James: JON YOU HAVE TO SLEEP!!!

Tim Stoker: Jon!!!

Jonathan Sims: I have insomnia, trust me I also do not want my body to work like this.

M1CH43L: I m1ssssss bei ng able to sleeeep ://///

Sasha James: Oh my god Elias shut uppppppppp

Martin K. Blackwood: "No C4 in the archives Gertrude" OLD MAN LET HER HAVE HER FUN. I for one SUPPORT her if she wants to blow up the building let her. 

Tim Stoker: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

Gerry: Did

Gerry: did you just use the alphabet as a keysmash?????

Sasha James: you can READ that? I tuned it out after the first letter and just made garbage disposal noises in my heaf.

Martin K. Blackwood: 'garbage disposal' what are you, american? 

Sasha James: Ewww, no. Who wants to be American? 

Jonathan Sims: Americans, probably.

Tim Stoker: Every american ive met has informed me that actually, no, not even americans.

Gerry: Funny considering no one wants to be British either.

M1CH43L: gerrrry,, u ar3 br1tish

Gerry: Yeah, and? 

Sasha James: Pamapwmpamals la Why are we like this?

Martin K. Blackwood: Im gonna make some tea <3

Tim Stoker: You do you king. I'm going to pelt Elias with rubber bands.

Jonathan Sims: T I M

Tim Stoker: What's he gonna do, fire me?

Jonathan Sims: You're right. Continue.

Sasha James: I LOVE THIS FOR USSSSSSSS XXXXXX

Jonathan Sims: This is why I asked you both to work here.

Melanie King: Seems like everyone is having a good day at work. Tell Elias I'm sick today 

Jonathan Sims: Will do.

Responsible Friends On Main  
9:15 A.M.

Graham: I leave my house. 

Graham: I walk down the street.

Graham: I turn the corner.

Graham: THERE IS A TANK JUST SITTING IN SOMEONE'S LAWN?

Graham: The hatch opens

Graham: NIKOLA CLIMBS OUT OF IT?! EXCUSE ME?!

Melanie: 0_0

Georgie: She did not. she did not steal a tank. Thats not even possible. 

Basira: Its like the plane all over again

Daisy: I'm 

Daisy: Thats so valid?????

Graham: I MEAN IT IS BUT ALSO WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO WITH IT?!?!

Melanie: Plastic crimes, probably.

Georgie: God, I'm not sure whether I love her or hate her.

Jonathan: It can be both. 

Basira: Sometimes I wonder about her.

Daisy: I for one think the tank is a cool idea.

Melanie: Is it just like, a military tank?

Graham: It's BRIGHT YELLOW?!

Basira: I hate that.

Daisy: Wait, so is it like just parked on the curb or?

Jonathan: why are all my friends like this?

Georgie: Jon, you just attract people like this:/ dont know what to tell you.

Graham: Oh its a CURSED tank. 

Basira: WHAT?! 

Melanie: CURSED TANK?! :D

Georgie: MELANIE NO. YOU *JUST* GOT SHOT.

Daisy: Holy shit Nikola has a cursed tank apamaajaoamqbsosm

Basira: I

Basira: I have to see that.

Jonathan: Maybe we shouldn't mess with the haunted tank?

Graham: .

Graham: Joyride around the city?

Daisy: HELL YEAH.

Basira: I'm down. I want to see the inside of the tank.

Melanie: YES! ABSOLUTELY! LET ME GET MY COAT.

Jonathan: Wait, we should maybe discuss this???

Georgie: And there she goes. </3

Jonathan: At least you're responsible Georgie

Georgie: Oh no I'm going as well. Might get a cool story out of it.

Jonathan: GEORGIE?!

Georgie: Sorry Jon :p

Melanie: CURSED TANK LEGGOOOO

Graham: I love y'all 😂

Nikola Orsinov to Annabelle Cane  
10:45 A.M.

Nikola Orsinov: Do You Want To See The Tank I Got?

Annabelle Cane: The what

Nikola Orsinov: The Tank! :D

Annabelle Cane: You bought a tank?

Nikola Orsinov: Yes! I Bought A Tank! Mikaele Sold It To Me! 

Annabelle Cane: Oh my.

Annabelle Cane: This is quite possibly the wildest thing you've ever done.

Annabelle Cane: I'm in

Nikola Orsinov: Good! We Will Come Get You.

Annabelle Cane: Let me get ready. Can we drive that shit into Parliament?

Nikola Orsinov: Oh We Absolutely Can! 

Annabelle Cane: I love this about you Strangers. You all have no chill.

Nikola Orsinov: You Know What They Say! We're Always DTC!

Annabelle Cane: DTC?

Nikola Orsinov: Down To Clown!

Annabelle Cane: THAT WAS HORRIBLE

Nikola Orsinov: I Know ))

Annabelle Cane: I loved it. 

Nikola Orsinov: ))) GET IN LOSER, WE'RE GOING SHOPPING

Annabelle Cane: Queen shit. 👑

Archive For Cool People Only  
12:02 P.M.

VastlySuperior: So, folks, I was thinking about something and now I have to ask

VastlySuperior: Why do all End avatars have the same aesthetic? Seriously, it's been bugging me.

Mahtin: Theyre the little embodiments of the fear of death, Tim. They are like, required to be goth or punk. Mostly goth.

Mahtin: Just like all the Buried avatars are cottagecore

Mahtin: The entities like us to be matching <3

BigBrain: Does that mean ur like, the Look for Web Avatars

Mahtin: Professionally? No. Personally? Yes.

VastlySuperior: I tried to tell Rosie you dress like a punk band guitarist mixed w/ pastel goth on ur days off and she literally would not believe me

BigBrain: Maybe bc you told her I was in a country cover band in year 9?

VastlySuperior: YOU WERE THOUGH

BigBrain: Delete that memory, Tim. It no longer exists <3 

Mahtin: "Country cover band" 

Mahtin: Like Jolene country or...

BigBrain: No comment

Mahtin: Sasha

Mahtin: Sasha I love you

BigBrain: LOOK OKAY I WAS IN A COUNTRY COVER BAND SO WHAT

VastlySuperior: Weren't you dating the lead singer too? 

BigBrain: It was a DIFFERENT TIME I thought I was CISHET let me LIVE

VastlySuperior: I honestly cant speak I was on my school's bowling team

Mahtin: IM SORRY?!

BigBrain: I can literally not picture that I'm calling bullshit

VastlySuperior: Look the shirts gave me good gender feels its not that deep 😭 At least I wasnt a Sherlock fan

Mahtin: SHUT UP oh my GOD

BigBrain: I wonder if Jon had a secondary school phase

BigBrain: One sec Im asking

VastlySuperior: PASHAONQPANZOS S A S H A

Mahtin: 5 says he was a theatre kid

VastlySuperior: Elias banished all the theatre kids down into the archives

Mahtin: Llaoanakamslsms

BigBrain: I

BigBrain: He mumbled smthing and then Gertrude flat out said "The boy was an emo" MS. ROBINSON? 

VastlySuperior: HE WAS?! 

Mahtin: Makes

Mahtin: Makes sense.

BigBrain: This is fucking amazing

BigBrain: I wonder if he still has some stuff in his closet >_>

Mahtin: I would pay to see that

VastlySuperior: I would pay to see you come to work in full punk

BigBrain: DID HE JUST SCREAM BET?! KING

VastlySuperior: Oh its fucking on.

VastlySuperior: Im going goth <3

BigBrain: I should

BigBrain: I SHOULD BREAK OUT THE VAMPCORE GEAR

Mahtin: YES YOU SHOULD

VastlySuperior: We're bringing style into the institute <3

Mahtin: Fuck yeah

Death Isn't Permanent  
2:46 P.M.

Oliver: I'm here to once again remind you all that we can't kill Elias

Gertrude: The hell I can't.

Gerry: I mean actually dont you'll kill the others.

Gerry: But also dont tell me what to do.

Oliver: I mean it. Its too risky.

Gertrude: The fucker stole my C4

Agnes: Not the C4 >:(

Gertrude: I am so mad

Gerry: He's a pissbaby 

Oliver: You can always get more Gertrude.

Gertrude: Not without information to give my contact, Oliver! I don't have anything else to tell them!

Gertrude: Unless

Agnes: You can't tell people I'm alive Gertrude! 

Gertrude: Not what I was going to say, dear.

  
Gertrude: I will however, rat out Jurgen woth no hesitation

Gerry: IM STILL MAD ABOUT JURGEN ISTG

Gerry: I CANT BELIEVE YOU KNEW HE WAS ALIVE AND SAID NOTHING

Gertrude: I was in hiding, Gerard.

Oliver: God not this argument again, please I'm begging you. 

Agnes: It's in the past, can we drop this? 

Gertrude: Depends, can we Gerry?

Gerry: Fine but I'm still mad! 

Oliver: Oh thank god. Anyway, moving on, does anyone know where Nikola got the tank?!

Gerry: NIKKI HAS A TANK?!

Agnes: Of course she does 😔

Gertrude: Oh, Nikola got that tank from Saleasa. 

Gertrude: Said she'd let me borrow it if I traded her my day with Jon

Oliver: I'll go change the calendar.

Gertrude: I'm using it to take care of an element of the Corruption. Should be fun.

Agnes: Can I come along? I want to see that

Gertrude: Of course. 

Gerry: Im asking Nikola for a ride in the tank

Oliver: I hate this about us </3 Why are you all like this?

Gerry: Like you aren't also going to ask for a tank ride.

Oliver: You dont have to call me out like that

Gertrude: Oh god why is the main chat "popping off"?

Agnes: ...Elias?

Oliver: Elias.

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
4:30 P.M.

Elias: All I am saying is that the Stranger and the Spiral are functionally identical.

M1CH43L: shhhhut up shuut uppop shut uppp I fuckinzhlap hateeeee youuuu

NIKKI: THEY ARE NOT! THEY! ARE! NOT!

GrahamCracker: THE VIBES ARE RANCID 

Danimals: How dare you compare me to the spiral 😭

NoSpiralRights: The difference is the Stranger has rights.

FuckTheEye: Not this shit again Elias you of all people should know that ALL the entities overlap but they're distinct enough to categorize them.

SpiderWoman: The Spiral is LIES the Stranger is the UNKNOWN shut UP ELIAS.

Elias: The fear of the Unknown is the DARK Annabelle.

NIKKI: BAD FUCKING TAKE!

SkyLover: The fear of the Dark is NOT the fear of the Unknown as a Vast "kinnie" I will defend our Dark siblings.

NoSpiralRights: For the love of our god never use the word Kinnie ever again

ThatsRuffBuddy: Who cares, they all taste the same.  
  
bones: are you eating people?!

ThatsRuffBuddy: AVATARS. And if they mess with me I'm biting them I am a HUNTER this is what we do.

VampHunter: Thats just you Daisy.

FuckTheDark: NOOOOOO DAISY THE DISEASES YOU COULD GET FROM THAT 😭

GrahamCracker: People dont taste very good :/

WormOffTheString: what is a kinnie?

ThatsRuffBuddy: Thats a risk Im willing to take.

Death: I wish that meteor had killed me. 

Plukas: Someone please teavh me how to leave a groupchat

SpiderWoman: Im kicking Elias I swear Ill do it

SkyLover: He'll just come back and you know it.

GR: Elias I am actually going to kill you

Elias: Come to think.of it, the Web and the Spiral are basically the same entity. 

NIKKI: NO! NO THEY ARENT!

Danimals is offline

GrahamCracker: I need a drink

SpiderWoman: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

NoSpiralRights: This is the worse timeline.

Death: I hate this so much why cant we all just be friends

WormOffTheString: Elias shut up my friend is Web and I will not have you lumping him in with the Spiral

M1CH43L: i wil,,,,l k1lllll the 0ldddd mannnn

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Thats it. Im going to tear your eyes out of your stupid skull.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: im going full slaughter

SpiderWoman: Im coming with you Jude I'm killing him how dare he insult my mother.

Elias: Try me.

Death: Obligatory Dont actually kill him, but have fun and kick him in the groin for me.

SpiderWoman: See you soon Eyelas ,::::)

NIKKI: Elias Haters Anonymous

NoSpiralRights: Seriously who taught Simon the word kinnie

FuckTheDark: :)

NoSpiralRights: JULIA

FuckTheEye: Love how we all completely overlooked Graham admitting to cannabilism

Death: Wait. 

Death: LOVE?!

GrahamCracker: if I eated you no I didnt yes i did not I didnt <3

Death: IM SO CONFUSED WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

GrahamCracker is offline

GR: i should have stayed in hiding


	10. Martin Reveals A Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karoke kinda slaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of cannabalism, and entity related triggers such as spiders and heights, claustrophobia/choking, bugs, death.
> 
> This isnt angst i promise i know it looks bad-

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker  
9:32 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: Georgie they're trying to murder me.

Georgie Barker: ???? Like actually murder you or?

Jonathan Sims: [id: Martin in full punk gear. I'm talking a leather jacket, ripped up jeans, combat boots, lots of fake studs, you know...punk.]

Jonathan Sims: [id: Goth Tim. Like that victorian suit look, lots of dark colors and crosses, is that a LIP PIERCING?! Dark makeup as well because our king goes all out.]

Jonathan Sims: [id: Sasha dressed like uh,,,, Victorian vampire-core? Like with the ruffled collar and long sleeves and elegant draping cloth...you know? That look? Like she has a sword hilt as well the lady is ROCKING it.]

Georgie Barker: Oh!

Georgie Barker: Someone's got a crush? >:3

Jonathan Sims: 'Crush' what are we, 12?

Georgie Barker: Okay but do you?

Jonathan Sims: .

Jonathan Sims: Mayhaps.

Georgie Barker: HAH! Basira owes me a twenty >:)

Jonathan Sims: I hate you both

Georgie Barker: No you don't <3

Jonathan Sims: Look they're just pretty okay?! God I hate this conversation I'm never telling you anything ever again.

Georgie Barker: Wait nooo bb come back I'm sorry I made you feel self-conscious ur allowed to like how other people look and have emotions! Don't bottle it up King </3

Jonathan Sims: My bad, I should have put an /j on the end of that, I'm not mad.

Georgie Barker: Oh good, I was a little worried alsmslmalsms I do not want a repeat of the last time we fought TA was miserable

Jonathan Sims: We can't have that, now can we? 

Georgie Barker: I would kill for my cat. 

Jonathan Sims: I know Georgie. You broke up with three people over TA.

Georgie Barker: As it should be.

Jonathan Sims: You coming to karoke tonight?

Georgie Barker: Hell yeah. I'm gonna text Oliver to make sure he and Gram are still coming. Cant wait to meet your coworkers.

Jonathan Sims: On that note, please refrain from telling any embarassing stories about me tonight

Georgie Barker: Awwww :/ I won't but just know I had some real funny ones

Jonathan Sims: I didnt do this with you and Melanie!!!

Georgie Barker: You

Georgie Barker: YOU LITERALLY DID?!

Jonathan Sims: Its different

Georgie Barker: How?!

Jonathan Sims: I'm funnier

Georgie Barker: Alright loser </3 Im making you pay for drinks

Jonathan Sims: Thats fair.

Georgie Barker: Love ya you dork, get back to work b4 Elias fires you.

Jonathan Sims: You too Georgie. Tell TA I love him

Georgie Barker: I will <3

Jonathan Sims: <3

  
Georgie Barker to Oliver Banks  
10:00 A.M.

Georgie Barker: Karoke night?

Oliver Banks: We'll be there.

Oliver Banks: Go turn off your oven 

Georgie Barker: FUCK.

Oliver Banks: How is it you are constantly almost burning your flat down?

Georgie Barker: The Desolation hates me for no reason.

Oliver Banks: Ugh, Desolation.

Georgie Barker: Speaking of supernatural fear gods, come get this creepy ass book out of my flat, I dont know HOW aspects of the End keep getting into my flat but I am SICK OF IT.

Oliver Banks: Take it up w/ hr

Georgie Barker: THE FEAR GODS DONT HAVE AN HR DEPARTMENT.

Oliver Banks: That's awful, actually. We should unionize.

Georgie Barker: SNZLMAPAMAPMA 😂😂😂 

Oliver Banks: We have nothing to lose but our chains

Georgie Barker: Stop ur literally killing me

Oliver Banks: Can you even die?

Georgie Barker: Fuck if I know. Not worried about it tbh, no point in stressing over the inevitable.

Oliver Banks: Couldn't have said it better myself.

Oliver Banks: See you tonight

Georgie Barker: See you!!!!

  
Archives But For Cool People Only  
10:22 A.M.

Mahtin: GUYS I JUST SPAT OUT A SPIDER WHILE TALKING TO JON ✌PEACE OUT I'M QUITTING

BigBrain: YOU DID WHAT?!

VastlySuperior: YOU- . DUDE UR FUCKEDDDD KSNpmalwmalaBAKAMA

Mahtin: He fucking ran away 😭 How do I explain that?! 

BigBrain: This doesnt look good for you </3

VastlySuperior: emergency meeting? 

BigBrain: YEAH LOL

Mahtin: ITS NOT FUNNNNY

VastlySuperior: King it kinda is

Mahtin: I hate you </3

BigBrain: No u dont <3

Mahtin: I hate the Web </3 what a cringe entity

Mahtin: OUCH! OKAY MOM CHILL GEEZ IT WAS A J O K E

BigBrain: Did

BigBrain: DID UR ENTITY JUST FLICK YOU?! WOW.

Mahtin: 😭 I hate this family

VastlySuperior: Yeah, yeah, we get it ur tortured. come get some tea b4 you start panicking again

Mahtin: okay 😔

Jonathan Sims to Gertrude Robinson  
10:34 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: Gertrude we may have a situtation

Gertrude Robinson: Did Gerry set fire to something again? 

Gertrude Robinson: I swear they are too liberal with their use of fire on our problems

Jonathan Sims: No, not this time. Martin spat out a spider. Like a tarantula.

Gertrude Robinson: Oh. That is...unfortunate. 

Gertrude Robinson: Cant believe I owe Jude a 50 now. Damn it.

Jonathan Sims: HOW ARE YOU NOT AFFECTED BY THIS?!

Gertrude Robinson: I suppose you would need an explanation eventually. To cut a long story short: Monsters are very, very real and that is now, unfortunately, your problem.

Jonathan Sims: I'm sorry?!?

Gertrude Robinson: The supernatural exists. Specifically, it exists in the form of 14 powers that are...well, either linked to or actually ARE our fears. No way to really tell.

Gertrude Robinson: They are The Vast, The Web, The Spiral, The Eye, The Dark, The Hunt, The Flesh, The Slaughter, The Buried, The Desolation, The Lonely, The Corruption, The Stranger, and The End. 

Gertrude Robinson: The Insitute is a temple to The Eye. I don't want to bother explaining exactly what that means. Figure it out. 

Gertrude Robinson: But Martin in particular is a servant of the Web. 

Jonathan Sims: I

Jonathan Sims: What?!

Gertrude Robinson: He's a spider monster. Or is becoming one, at least. 

Gertrude Robinson: Sort of like your friend Nikola is a mannequien. 

Jonathan Sims: SHE'S WHAT?!

Gertrude Robinson: How did you not notice that her skin is made of plastic, Jonathan?

Jonathan Sims: I THOUGHT IT WAS A SKIN CONDITION?! MARTIN IS A SPIDER MONSTER?! HOW MANY OF MY FRIENDS ARE SUPERNATURAL CREATURES?!

Gertrude Robinson: Basically all of them. Actually, I don't know if you even know anyone unaligned. 

Jonathan Sims: WHAT?!

Gertrude Robinson: Do some reading on your own time. I have an issue to take care of and I do not have time to explain. If you see Jane today, tell her I'm taking care of the ants so she can go home.

Jonathan Sims: I'm having a breakdown and it's not even noon. [read 10:43 A.M.]

Why Are All My Friends Supernatural?  
11:00 A.M.

Jonathan Sims has added Nikola Orsinov, Graham Folger, Oliver Banks, Basira Hussain, Daisy Tonnor, Georgie Barker, Melanie King, Tim Stoker, Sasha James, Martin K. Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE ALL AVATARS FOR FEAR GODS?! 

Tim Stoker has changed 11 nicknames.

Tim has added Gerard Keay and M1CH43L to the chat.

Gerard Keay has changed their nickname to Gerry

Gerry: Who snitched?

Basira: Jon please don't freak out on us there is a very good explantion for this.

NIKKI: TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH! Jon I Am LITERALLY Wearing Someone Else's Skin! 

Jon: You

Jon: YOU'RE A MANNEQUIEN?!

Daisy: Jon are you gonna be okay or do you need like, a moment?

Jon: WHAT THE HELL IS THE EYE?! THE WEB?! SPIDERS?! 

Martin: Oh god this is my fault isnt it?

Oliver: 1. No one here is taking the blame for this 2. What happened?!

Martin: Spat out a spider.

Oliver: Ah. Yeah that'd do it.

Melanie: God why am I never in the office when shit goes down

Georgie: Jon take deep breaths we'll explain but you gotta calm down.

Graham: Man my tea break is turning into a tea hiatus at this rate.

Oliver: Im surprised he's this shocked given how he works for Spooky Stories Inc.

Georgie: He thought Nik had a skin condition for 5 years, Oliver.

Melanie: Eye kinnies be like "they who watch all and understand none" no thoughts head empty

Melanie: Chill Jon, it's not that out there. Ur friends with some of the coolest avatars in London, if anything you should be celebrating 

Oliver: Melanie you tried to kill me when you found out.

Melanie: Look I was under a lot of pressure

Daisy: Like

Daisy: Lile Buried pressure or?

Melanie: Normal pressure. The kind that makes you want to stab your boss.

Jon: ?!

Tim: Eli*s not you Jon dw

Jon: I think

Jon: I think I've calmed down

Jon: I just

Jon: I have so many questions

Gerry: Okay eye kinne

Basira: GERRY

Daisy: Stop booing him, he's right

M1CH43L: eyyyyy3 saaaa1d snaaaaatchhh the tw1nk

Graham: IT REALLY DID THO 👁

Georgie: We'll answer them Jon

Graham: Actually

Daisy: No no no I am NOT feeding the Eye fuck that shit

Melanie: Ur dating an Eye avatar Daisy

Basira: I AM NOT! AN! EYE! AVATAR! 

M1CH43L: Yessss y0u ar3

Sasha: Basira is it? That was a lie.

Tim: SKSKSL Imagine lying to Spiral avatars

Daisy: I'll answer questions as long as he doesn't compell me. Because I am NOT cool with compulsion.

Jon: I 

Jon: I can do that?!?

Nikola: Not Yet! But Maybe Someday!

Basira: Not if I have anything to say about it.

Daisy: Basira said fuck the eye

Graham: Elias wants him to be the Archivist so we will not allow it. Elias has no rights <3

Jon: Okay so.

Oliver: Thots on Elias, everyone?

Oliver: *Thoughts fuck

Tim: Oh thots are on Elias alright <3

Sasha: Peter aint a thot he's an anti-thot

Martin: Catholic?

Tim: AKSKALMALAMAL MA R T I N

Basira: Look what you've done Oliver

Melanie: I love you 3 but stfu <3

Georgie: Y'all,,,,

Jon: I guess I should start by asking what all these entities...are? I know their names but nothing about them. 

Jon: Gertude told me to "figure it out"

M1CH43L: ggggodddd I haaaate herrrrr so muccccch fuckkkking gertUde rob1ns0nnn

Gerry: Gertude Haters Anonymous

Oliver: I guess to start with, Jon you serve the Eye. It watches. Uh, it's the fear of being watched, of knowledge that destroys you, of being followed, of being known. Basically Voyuerism but make it Supernatural.

Basira: Elias is an example of a bad eye avatar. He's just a creepy dipshit. He doesn't even serve the Eye CORRECTLY god I hate him

Basira: Fucker doesn't even want KNOWLEDGE he just wants power he's a shitty web knockoff with an eye aesthetic.

Basira: The Eye deserves so much BETTER its the embodiment of KNOWLEDGE and UNDERSTANDING and RESEARCH Elias has given it a SHIT reputation its not about VOYEURISM thats JUST ELIAS

Basira: FUCK

Daisy: Love,,, 

Georgie: She's right and she said say it

Jon: So we serve like,,, fear of libraries?

Martin: I MEAN

Tim: I fucking love this man

Gerry: Cant wait to call Elias the library monster

Sasha: KING SHIT

Nikola: Oh Oh Oh, I Want To Go Next! Jon I am a Stranger! Fear of the Uncanny and the Unknown! Clown entity!

Jon: Like the

Jon: Like the couch?

Martin: Yeah like the couch

Jon: 👁

Tim: And like my brother

Tim: Love that man

Graham: i'm also Strangerkin

Sasha: I HATE THAT

Jon: So uh

Jon: Can I assume The Web is spiders?

Martin: Yeah...that's me. Spiders and the fear of control and manipulation and your choices not being your own. You know, that sort of thing

Jon: Alright then.

Daisy: The Hunt is the fear of the chase. Werewolves and vampires and shit. Although vampires are really just....fuck I hate you for making this comparison Graham, Hunter chewtoys.

Graham: I love to displease <3

Oliver: But is he wrong?

Gerry: We love that for us.

Jon: i'm assuming the End is just death? and the Slaughter is just murder? The Flesh is...meat? And the Dark is....well, the dark.

Georgie: Yeah pretty much.

Jon: So the Spiral is...fear of circles?

Sasha: YES

M1CH43L: NO

Tim: It's the fear of merry-go-rounds

Nikola: FUCK YOU THATS STRANGER TERRITORY.

Basira: Oh god not this again. Please no more entity discourse in the group chat

Gerry: Unless we're bullying the eye

M1CH43L: Eeyyyy3 kinnn1es hav333 no000 r1ghtssssz

Jon: So what is the Spiral?

Sasha: Me :)

Tim: I

Tim: Its the fear of lies and bad senses. <3

Sasha: Yeah. It's the fear of heing unable to trust your senses or the reality you percieve

M1CH43L: nnnno such th1ng as realitty

Sasha: But yeah, the Spiral is my domain :) 

Jon: Wait, Oliver? Georgie?

Oliver: I wasn't joking when I said I was dead inside

Jon: What

Jon: WAIT WHAT

Daisy: This is funnier when you realize that Oliver died like two months ago

Graham: Hey be nice :( Jon JUST joined the Eye he was human before!

Melanie: I'M human and even I noticed.

Georgie: Jon was focused on the new job, let him live. I mean I'm technically an avatar of the End as well but all I got was no fear so I don't blame him for not noticing

Jon: So that's

Jon: Okay that's a thinf

Jon: Someone mentioned the Buried earlier?

Tim: FUCK THE BURIED.

Melanie: FUCK the Buried.

Sasha: shuddup Tim you Vast kinnie /j

Tim: </3

Martin: The Buried makes me uncomfortable.

Daisy: It makes everyone uncomfortable, taht's kinda the point

Basira: Buried is the fear of enclosed spaces, choking, being buried alive, etc.

Jon: Sounds...thoroughly unpleasant.

M1CH43L: it 1s,,,,

Gerry: God the Buried sucks to deal with to

Gerry: So much mud and sand and stuff 😭

Gerry: I'm not one for luxury but I HATE scrubbing mud off of everything I own

Graham: Yeah but I mean

Graham: Better than the Corruption

Gerry: Yeah, your right

Oliver: Speaking of, guess who's back in London?

Nikola: Stinky Fly Boy?

Georgie: AKSJAOKWLSKS N I K O L A 

Sasha: ?

Sasha: Who is Stinky Fly Boy?

Tim: John Amherst

Jon: ...He's in a few of our statements. He's...certainly unpleasant

Daisy: He's a pain in the ass to Hunt too cause you can't touch him

Daisy: Best to avoid him

Oliver: Think he'll pester Elias for a meeting?

Nikola: No Elias On Main Oliver!

Graham: Basira JUST ranted about Elias.

Basira: We'll both out money in the jar

Oliver: Fait

Jonathan: So is the Corruption just disease or....

Tim: It's also bugs

Tim: And then there's the Vast

Tim: The best power. It's the fear of everything to do with the expanse of our infinite cosmos. The deep sea, the endless sky, space itself, the enormity of life...it encompasses vertigo and all that cool stuff.

Tim: Fuck I sound like Simon

Sasha: Noooooo babe </3

Nikola: What Is It With The Vast And Making You Horny For It?

Oliver: Okay first of all never say that again

Basira: NIKOLA NO THAT'S CURSED

Daisy: Vast fuckers :/

Graham: LMAO

Gerry: The Vast is just Like That

Gerry: I guess the last entity is Desolation

Gerry: Pain and loss.

Tim: Mostly fire though

Basira: That's because fire is the path of least resistance and Desolation avatars hate planning. Except Jude. Jude likes planning. 

Daisy: Which is why no one fucks with Jude

Basira: No one messes with Jude

Daisy: Eyyyyy

Basira: Eyyyyy

Jon: That's only 13? Who are we missing?

M1CH43L: N0 oneee3 imp0rtantttt

Gerry: Yeah dw about it Jon.

Gerry: So, karoke?

Tim: My place by 6 pm folks!

Melanie: I'm legit excited ngl

Oliver: Hey so why has Martin been typing this entire time?

Georgie: Martin?

Nikola: Oh, He Has!

Martin: Jon, I'm so so so so so sorry for not disclosing my Web status prior to this. At first it was just because I wanted to keep you away from entity nonsense but I admit now it has become entirely selfish. I knew you had a bad experience with an aspect of the Web in the past and I was horrified for you but I was so worried you'd be scared of me if you found out that I hid it. But that was majorily unfair to you and I apologize for it. If you'd like I can work someplace where you din't have to see me and I will keep spidery things to myself. I am so sorry and I hope you can forgive me for lying to you for so long. 

Sasha: MARTIN?!

Tim: Why did I have a feeling that was what he was doing.

Oliver: Oh god.

Melanie: Martin?!

Jon: Martin, you're fine????? I'm nor mad in the slighest. I was a little shocked when you...regurgutated a spider, and admittedly I still have a lot of questions, but A. I can completely understand keeping it a secret from me like everyone else did this was in fact a pretty huge thing to understand and I probably wouldn't have believed anyone who told me.

Jon: and B, even if it was something mundane you have no obligation to tell me anything you don't want to? There is nothing wrong with you keeping secrets as long as they don't cause harm to you. You have no reason to be worried, I'm not going to make you isolate yourself??? I don't...like spiders but crucially you AREN'T a spider and even if you were, I mean, it's you I'd learn to handle it. It's fine Martin. 

Sasha: I love that

Martin: You

Martin: You aren't upset?

Jon: Of course I'm not upset. You aren't being malacious. 

Sasha: Well that's good to hear :)

Tim: So uh

Tim: karoke?

Jon: You're still finishing up that report before you clock out Tim

Tim: Fair

Jon: But yes, I'll be there. 

Nikola: This Was Fun :3

Jon: I...guess?

Jon: See you all.

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
1:00 P.M.

M1CH43L: I h4ve fant4stiiiic newssss

WormOffAString: ooooh, share!

Annabelle Cane: Let me guess

M1CH43L: J0nnnnnathannnn Sims isssss now aw4re of the ent1ties

Elias: YOU TOLD HIM?!

GR: HA, GET FUCKED.

FuckTheEye: Micheal why would you do this

M1CH43L: chaos >:3

FuckTheEye: That's fair

ThatsRuffBuddy: Awww, is widdle Ewias going to cwy?

Elias: I will use your darkest fears against you

ThatsRuffBuddy: TRY IT BITCH

NoSpiralRights: Oh god, not this again

SkyLover: Does that mean the rest of will get to meet him?

FuckTheEye: Stay away from Jon Simon istg

NoSpiralRights: Elias is pissed. Pissbaby. 

Elias: I hate all of you.

GR: Boohoo, I'm Elias and I'm a pissbaby.

FuckTheEye: You go grandma

WormOffTheString: Ouch. Elias do you want some burn cream?

VampHunter: Why is is always something with you lot?

SpiderWoman: God I love this for us <3 bully Elias hours

Death: I think he went offline

Danimals: Lol, coward

Plukas: Days like this make me thankful I stayed in the chat

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey Peter.

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Remember your CRINGE attempt at a FAIL ritual Lukas? Huh? Huh?

Plukas: I hate you.

SpiderWoman: SHITTY LANDLORD LOOKING ASS

FuckTheEye: I'm fucking crying

M1CH43L: THEEEE INCOMP4TAN3333

Plukas: I hate every last one of you

ThatsRuffBuddy: Good <3

  
WormOffTheString: our ritual will be much, much bettrt >:)

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: I can't wait to see it dear :)

Bones: What do these rituals even do?

NIKKI: Practically? Nothing.

ThatsRuffBuddy: Imagine attempting rituals. Raise ur hand is ur a BAMF who doesnt need a ritual to be powerful 🖐

SpiderWoman: The Web rules everything already <3 who needs a ritual

NIKKI: My Ritual Will Be Fun! Please Mark It On Your Calendars. Unless You're A Hunter. Hunterd Are NOT Invited.

FuckTheDark: aww :/ too bad im coming anyway

Danimals: Speaking of rituals

GrahamCracker: Lol remember how the Psiral's ritual got fucked up by a MAP of all things

M1CH43L: TAG YOUR GREAT TWISTING MENTIONS

FuckTheEye: at least it wasnt a fucking newspaper

Plukas: I hate you all shut up it was a good idea

GR: NO THE FUCK IT WASNT

SpiderWoman: It was a shitty conept just take the L

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: Losers lost their ritual to a fucking piece of paper

Plukas: hows that messiah of yours?

GR: Ouch

WhatCrimesWillSheCommit: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP ILL MURDER YOU ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

SkyLover: Your whole plan fell apart because of 1 (one) mediocre white boy

Danimals: SHHHHHHH SIMON

Bones: Gertrude didnt even have to do anything that time

M1CH43L: @ttttt leassssst the l0nelys ritu4lllll w3nttt somewh3reee

FuckTheEye: Hey but can we all agree that the Dark's ritual was fucking funny

FuckTheEye: A SUN MADE OF D A R K N E S S like okay emos

Danimals; aosmsosmsoma

NIKKI: The Dark Has No Rights

Death: no need for a ritual when you all will come to us eventually.

SpiderWoman: Hell yeah go off King 

SpiderWoman: But also everyone dont text for the next 4 hours im on a date <3

SpiderWoman: Oh perfect ::::)

Why Are All My Friends Supernatural?  
6:30 P.M.

Tim: Thank you all for being on time to Karoke night, it's appreciated. I'm popping out bc I forgot to pick up snacks. Do not burn down my flat while I'm away.

Martin: No promises.

Gerry: No promises

Melanie: No fuck you

Melanie: AKSMOSNSA

Daisy: Same person

Gerry: Look arson is fun okay?

Martin: Hell yeah it is

Tim: Dont burn down my flaaat 😂

Sasha: I'll keep an eye on them while I set up karoke. 

Tim: thank you <3

Nikola: Hurry Back! I Want To Start Soon!!!!

Oliver: What is it with you all and arson?

Sasha: Its fun

Sasha: But not today >:(

Georgie: Tim your fish are very pretty

Tim: Thank you!

Daisy: Jon stop chewing your FUCKING NAILS CHALLENGE

Jon: FUCK

Sasha: >:0 JON!

Martin: Jon I have some gum come here >:(

Graham: Hey nail-biting is fine it's a destressor

Daisy: NO IT IS NOT FINE THATS SO BAD FOR YOU

Nikola: You Will Damage Your Fingers! 

Nikola: Take The Gum!

Jon: I cant believe I'm being bullied for this

Tim: It's love <3 Martin used to chew his cheeks raw and we fucking fixed it

Martin: Stop eating parts of your body

Graham: eat other people instead :D

Georgie: Being friends is just hitting each other with the self-care stick 

Melanie: Remember when daisy hsd that cast and kept trying to pry it off? That was a fun month

Daisy: I HATE CASTS I HATE THEM THEY ITCH 

Basira: You'd rather have a broken leg?!

Melanie: I would

Georgie: 😂

M1CH43L: Soooo ar333 we igno0ring th3 eat1ing peeopl3 ooooorrrrr?

Oliver: WAIT GRAHAM?!

Basira: GRAHAM?!

Sasha: KAROKE FIRST, QUESTIONS LATER.

Archive's Chat  
10:56 P.M.

Tim Stoker: Hope everyone got home safe :)

Martin K. Blackwood: Jane is here

Martin K. Blackwood: Im safe 

Martin K. Blackwood: She made soup 

Gerry: I'm home 🖒

M1CH43L: I ammmmm my h0me

Sasha James: im home :) 

Jonathan Sims: Home at last :)

Jonathan Sims: I had fun

Tim Stoker: We did too :)))

Martin K. Blackwood: Seee you alll on Monday. Love you <3

Sasha James: Love y'all too

Tim Stoker: Love you <3

Jonathan Sims: Love you too. Good night.


	11. The Title Of This Fic Is Finally Relevant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentioned misgendering (nothing deliberate or malicious), violence mention, spider mention.
> 
> Why did this take so long? I dunno. Hopefully the other chapters come out quicker, but no promises.

Archive's Chat  
9:24 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: At least I have an explanation for why my mugs keep disappearing now.

Sasha James: IM SORRY I cant HELP IT

Jonathan Sims: It's fine Sasha, I'm not upset. But seriously, what just happened? All I know is it looked like how migraines feel.

Sasha James: Spiral snatched the mug from me </3 I hate this fucking family

Tim Stoker: Does your entity just steal from you????

M1CH43L: yyyyessss. Y0ur's do3ssn't?

Tim Stoker: No? My entity doesn't really do much besides hover menacingly when I don't feed it.

Sasha James: Like a cat? 

Tim Stoker: Basically. 

Gerry: So the Spiral steals shit and the Vast is a cat. Why does everything about the entities have to be so weird, why can't there be an entity that just like...exists around its avatars without interefering? Why must the Eye force me to stare at objects for hour? What purpose does it serve?

Jonathan Sims: You got lucky, I think. 

Jonathan Sims: Daisy chases sticks sometimes if you catch her off guard.

Tim Stoker: DOES SHE REALLY?

Sasha James: (that was a joke Tim)

Tim Stoker: Damn that would have been funny. 

Martin K. Blackwood: The Web takes the mother thing too seriously. I'll be doing something and it will toss a spider at me like "MARTIN NO!"

Jonathan Sims: Boy am I glad not to be part of the web.

Gerry: Flesh would be worse. I dont wanna know the weird ass shit Jared has to do. 

M1CH43L: y0uuu truly do nottt

Sasha James: Yeah its baaaad

Gerry: How do you know???

Gerry: Wait don't tell me I don't wanna know

Tim Stoker: Wise decision. Sometimes...the Eye is bad.

M1CH43L: ssssometimes? 

Tim Stoker: God I need a nap

Martin K. Blackwood: You? Napping?

Tim Stoker: Piss off I was up till 2 AM because SOMEONE LET THE CAT GET INTO THE CATNIP

Sasha James: HE'S NOT A CAT DONT BE MEAN

Tim Stoker: OKAY LISTEN UP

Gerry: Are they always like this?

Melanie King: yes. Yes they are.

Melanie King: It's like Uni all over again.

Gerry: God I miss Uni sometimes, the hijinks were unparalleled.

Melanie King: FR me too, I want a do over I wasn't even out yet for Uni :/

Sasha James: Y'all can be wild now nothing is stopping you 

Gerry: Bills

Sasha James: We can't be fired

Melanie King: OH TRUE, TRUE!

Tim Stoker: MICHEAL HAS CLAWS. HE GETS THE ZOOMIES. THEY SHOW AFFECTION ONLY ON HER OWN TERMS. SHE SITS IN BOXES IF YOU LEAVE THEM OUT. ZE APPARENTLY LIKES CATNIP.

Tim Stoker: BY PROCESS OF ELIMINATION, MICHEAL IS A CAT.

Gerry: .

Gerry: NO?!

Jonathan Sims: No. No that's not how that works.

Sasha James: He's not a cat babe omg sh  
e'll eat you stop

Melanie King: Okay but he's gotta point tho

Martin K. Blackwood: Fuck Micheal big mood my gender is also catboy

Martin K. Blackwood: Fuuuuck I didn't mean to send that

Jonathan Sims: No honestly big mood but Micheal is not a cat.

M1CH43L; n0 actu@lly I l1ke that itssss funny

M1CH43L has changed their nickname to Cat [REDACTED]

Melanie King: Okay but hot take what's ur gender mines avril lavrange

Sasha James: HE WAS A SKATER BOY

Melanie King: SHE SAID SEE YOU LATER BOY

Tim Stoker: EMO

Sasha James: LIKE UR ONE TO TALK MR GOTH

Gerry: My gender is arson

Jonathan Sims: What is it with you people and arson?

Martin K. Blackwood: hehe flames are pretty

Martin K. Blackwood: My gender is what's in my pants.

Martin K. Blackwood: a piece of gum and three nickels.

Sasha James: Did you actually check ur pockets for that joke?

Martin K. Blackwood: :]

Melanie King: ICONIC.

Jonathan Sims: I sold my gender in Uni for 50 quid and haven't looked back since.

Melanie King: Who bought it?

Jonathan Sims: idk all i know is i woke up with no gender and 50 quid

Martin K. Blackwood: Wait are you??? nonbinary???

Jonathan Sims: Oh um

Jonathan Sims: yes.

Tim Stoker: Oh, that's cool! 

Sasha James: Oh shit have we been misgendering you???

Jonathan Sims: Not really? I'm comfortable with you all still using he/him so please don't feel bad you literally could not have known.

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh okay! :) 

Tim Stoker: So what's the pronouns?

Jonathan Sims: He/They

Gerry: EYYYY HE/THEM'S RISE UP

M1CH43L: valid :) 

Sasha James: Thanks for sharing mate, I know you can be a bit nervous abt this sorta stuff so I'm glad ur comfy sharing w/ us.

Jonathan Sims: Oh um

Jonathan Sims: Thank you.

Martin K. Blackwood: Tea everyone?

Gerry: Sure lol

Tim Stoker: Please? xx

Sasha James: I'd love some tea <3

Melanie King: Hell yeah.

Martin K. Blackwood: Jon?

Jonathan Sims: Yes, thank you, recording a statement now. Love you all. 

Martin K. Blackwood: Tea for everyone it is :)

  
Melanie King to Basira Hussain  
10:00 A.M. 

Melanie King: We need to hang out. I was thinking we get lunch, plot murder, you know the usual?

Basira Hussain: Only if we're doing greek.

Melanie King: Georgie would kill me if I got greek without her. 

Basira Hussain: she's invited too obviously

Basira Hussain: How can we plot murder w/o the literal end avatar?

Melanie King: The End doesnt do murder tho

Basira Hussain: Yeah but the aesthetics

Melanie King: You're right. Daisy coming?

Basira Hussain: Yeah. When'd you want to do this?

Melanie King: Whenever you're free, my schedule is pretty lax

Basira Hussain: Wednesday?

Melanie King: Works for me <3

Basira Hussain: <3

Annabelle Cane to Martin K. Blackwood  
10:12 A.M.

Annabelle Cane: Theoretically speaking if I started an Elias hate club would you join?

Martin K. Blackwood: Yes.

Annabelle Cane: Great. I'll give you details later. Have a good day <3

Martin K. Blackwood: Oh hey, Annabelle, so what did Jane mean by mandibles? [Read 10:15 A.M.]

Archives For Cool People Only  
11:34 A.M.

BigBrain: Holy fuck Jon said I love you. TWICE. i'm dying.

VastlySuperior: :D Oh my gawd Im legit losing it that was SO CUTE i am bisecksual 😤😤😤 💗💜💙

BigBrain: Y'know if you'd ask me a year ago whether Jon was My Type I'd have asked you who the fuck Jon was but here i am: simping.

Mahtin: I'm

Mahtin: Im legit near tears he l-worded us I love him

BigBrain: !!!!

VastlySuperior: L as in capital L? Huh? Have we got a simp on our hands?

Mahtin: HYPOCRITICAL

VastlySuperior: And what of it?

BigBrain: I cant believe we all L-word Jon

VastlySuperior: "Oops! My Workplace Turned Into A Polycule!" 

BigBrain: -by P!ATD

Mahtin: Because I love you i wont bully you for being Emo on main

VastlySuperior: I will <3

BigBrain: Bitch

Mahtin: Anyway, Im bringing lunch

VastlySuperior: i love you

Mahtin: Cant believe Tim's love can be bought with a sandwich

BigBrain: Bitch mine too, sandwiches are GOOD. 

Mahtin: smh you two are silly 😩

VastlySuperior: But you l-word us <3

Mahtin: Unfortunately.

BigBrain: mwah xxxx

Mahtin: xxxx

VastlySuperior: xxxx

Responsible Friends On Main  
1:30 P.M.

Jonathan: Unfortunate news, everybody.

Graham: Did you kill someone? 

Jonathan: NO. JFC. 

Graham: Just checking lol.

Graham: Whats the news Jonny boy?

Daisy: Dont EVER

Daisy: Say JONNY BOY

Daisy: AGAIN. THAT WAS SO CURSED. YOU SOUND LIKE SIMON.

Melanie: who the fuck is simon

Basira: You dont want to know.

Georgie: What's the news?

Jonathan: I have unfortunately developed a feeling.

Melanie: Hate how you say that like its a disease. 

Graham: A FEELING? LIKE A SINGULAR EMOTION? DID YOU NOT HAVE THEM BEFORE?!

Jonathan: Fuck you guys, of course I have feelings. I meant like a romantic feeling and you know it.

Graham: Oh my bad, didnt mean to imply you didnt have feelings. Just,,, the way you said it.

Jonathan: It's fine

Melanie: JON

Melanie: JON IS IT FOR ONE OF OUR COWORKERS?!

Georgie: OH?! 

Basira: Maybe this is why Jon doesnt tell us things. 

Jon: One?

Melanie: I-

Daisy: this is ABSOLUTELY why Jon only ever tells Georgie things.

Melanie: MORE THAN ONE OF OUR COWORKERS?

Jonathan: .

Melanie: ALL OF OUR COWORKERS?! 

Georgie: This is funny. Melanie how did you not notice this. 

Melanie: Are all my coworkers going to end up dating

Melanie: I cant believe this. I mean I m rooting for ya but ewww romance

Georgie: 👁

Jonathan: Hypocritical :/

Graham: So Jon

Graham: Does this mean we can add them to this gc?

Basira: No

Daisy: Yes 

Melanie: Absolutely not.

Georgie: Why not?

Melanie: No new members.

  
Jonathan: Who is Annabelle Cane?

Basira: oh fuck me

Elias Bouchard Haters   
4:30 P.M.

Annabelle Cane has added Nikola Orsinov, M1CH43L, Gerard Keay, Oliver Banks, Graham Folger, Daniel Stoker, Peter Lukas, Simon Fairchild, Jane Prentiss, Jude Perry, Julia Montauk, Trevor Herbert, Georgie Barker, Melanie King, Gertrude Robinson, Martin K. Blackwood, Tim Stoker, Alice Tonnor, Basira Hussain, Micheal Crew, Sasha James, and Jared Hopworth to the chat.

Annabelle Cane has changed 23 nicknames

Annabelle: Hello folks, and welcome.

Basira: This is way too many people. 

Annabelle: Elias has many haters.

Gertrude: I object to Lukas and Fairchild being here. 

Gerry: Yeah what the fuck is Elias's sugar daddy here for?

Tim: HIS WHAT?!

Sasha: Holy shit this is like all the avatars in london the fuck.

Martin: ANNABELLE YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS WHAT THE FUCK DID JANE MEAN BY TEETH?!

Annabelle: All will be revealed at a later date. 

Annabelle: Now. are we meeting in the archives? No need to answer. 

Daisy: Oh yeah he'd hate that so we gotta.

Jon: I have a feeling I'm not allowed to object 

Oliver: this is somehow worse than the avatar chat 

Sasha: THERE'S AN AVATAR CHAT?!

Danny: It has El*as in it 

Sasha: oh lol nevermind then. 

M1CH43L: hhhhhh3y so whyyy did we addddd P3ter??? Th1s fuckIng succccks.

Peter: Rude. 

Simon: Trevor, I know you're going to ask, the leave button is in the menu you get when you click the three little dots 

Trevor: Thank you Simon.

Julia: Boooooo

Daisy: Lame

Oliver: annabelle I actually hate this

Graham: So the archives then? I've never been :D

Nikola: They Stink Of The Eye :/

Simon: What day are we meeting?

Oliver: I propose we only meet on February 26th. 

Nikola: Micheal Can Make That Happen :)

Daisy: NO TIME MANIPULATION WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS THAT'S WEB SHIT WE DONT STAN THE WEB!

Martin: HEY!

Jon: Stop fighting please 

Basira: Is it safe to have that many people in the Archives?

Jon: Its a fires hazard.

Jude: Oh. A fire you say?

M1CH43L: no000 Jud3

Jane: arson?

Martin: DID SOMEONE SAY ARSON?

Melanie: Desolation looking pretty good rn

Georgie: No! More! Avatars! Of! The Desolation! 

Gerry: I can get us keys

Mike: Keys? Us? Its funny you think we're law abiding citizens.

Gertrude: WE ARE NOT BURNING DOWN MY ARCHIVES.

Gertrude: At least, alone.

Gerry: AKSNSOSNSPS

Tim: YOOOO DANNY

Danny: :p

Mike: No srsly when are we meeting?

Simon: Please say soon

Annabelle: Soon. I'll have an exact date asap 

Jane: Can I leave? This is a little overwhelming. I'm already in one huge group chat :(

Annabelle: Go right ahead Jane.

Jane: Thank you!!

Trevor: I'm leaving as well. Have a good evening.

Trevor and Jane have left the group chat.

Daisy: So, if we're meeting in the archives, what's the rule about power usage? 

Gertrude: Nothing that would destroy my files.

Jon: No fire.

Melanie: :(

Martin: :(

Tim: :( 

Jude: >:/

Sasha: >:/

Oliver: The fact that we haven't all killed each other this astonishing. 


	12. Plates Are Actually Tasty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of the corruptions, some mentions of violence and arson.
> 
> This took years to write and I'm sorry, but uh....content? content.

Archive's Chat  
7:25 A.M.

Cat[REDACTED]: j0nnnnn qUuitttt pinnnnIng and h3lp meeeeeeee mooooVe thiSsss cOUUUUCH

Jonathan Sims: I'm not pining. And why are you bringing a couch into the archives???

Gerry: To annoy Elias.

Cat[REDACTED]: I wantED to bRINg a ball pit buuuuut G3rtuDe said NOOOO

Jonathan Sims: Why would you want to bring a ball pit into the archives? Are you trying to breed diseases?????

Tim Stoker: Boooooo. Ball pits are FUN

Martin K. Blackwood: IS THAT THE COUCH THAT TRIED TO E A T ME????

Sasha James: IT ISSSSSSSS!!!

Gerry: Wait, Micheal did you say pining? 👁️

Jonathan Sims: THERE IS NO PINING IN MY ARCHIVES! 

Jonathan Sims: Pining is prohibited. 

Melanie King: WAIT MARTIN, COUCH THAT TRIED TO EAT YOU??? EXCUSE ME?

Sasha James: Shit, guess we all gotta quit. 

Gerry: ALNSLSMSLSNWKA

Tim Stoker: Let me tender my resignation,,,,

Sasha James: Tender,,,, 🥺

Tim Stoker: don't go fainting on me Sasha

Sasha James: Excuse you, it's SWOONING 

Cat[REDACTED]: Wher3 issss th1s chAt gOING???? 

Melanie King: THE COUCH EATS PEOPLE?!?!?! HELLO????

Cat[REDACTED]: So d0 Iiiii

Gerry: I love/hate this groupchat

Martin K. Blackwood: YES IT TRIED TO EAT ME MELANIE NO I WILL NOT EXPLAIN

Sasha James: Couch boy

Tim Stoker: Martin Kartin Kaildeoscope Couch Boy Blackwood

Martin K Blackwood: Shut it Timothiam Stoker

Sasha James: I hate you both </3

Tim Stoker: I'm just too hot for you to handle 

Jonathan Sims: Is it too much to ask for a few minutes of productive work????

Martin K. Blackwood: Yes.

Tim Stoker: Boss you're asking too much of me <3

Jonathan Sims: I'm surrounded by idiots

Tim Stoker: Ouch babe, you wound me

Sasha James: I wish I could wound you /j

Martin K. Blackwood: I should have applied for that library job in Kerry. You make me want to commit arson. 

Melanie King: This is why the others don't hang out with us.

Gerry: Tim why do you look like bad decisions. 

Tim Stoker: WAIT

Tim Stoker has changed Jon's name to Boss Baby

Boss Baby: IM LIVID 

Boss Baby: I love you but I never want to see this again 

Tim Stoker: :/ alright alright

Sasha James: Why do I work here?

Martin K. Blackwood: Ur a long suffering morosexual it's okay to admit it Sasha

Sasha James: Imagine being a morosexual

Tim Stoker: Haha Sasha likes morons.

Boss Baby has changed their nickname to Boss

Boss: a compromise.

Melanie King: Can't wait till Tim stops and thinks about what he just said. 

Tim Stoker: WAIT.

Gerry: There he is. 

Tim Stoker: Wow. I'm not dumb! I was the top of my industry !!! I went to college! 

Sasha James: I'm just picking on you love, we all know you're very intelligent. 

Melanie King: Do we thou OW WHAT THE FUCK 

Sasha James: Don't be rude >:( 

Gerry: Imagine being attracted to morons, can't relate.

Martin K. Blackwood: Imagine being attracted to people, can't relate. 

Sasha James: Imagine being attracted to people, can only ocassionly relate

Cat[REDACTED]: imagine bEing pe0pl3, can'T relAte. 

Boss: I hate this family

Melanie King: No you don't 

Jonathan Sims: Ugh

Sasha James: xx

Gerry: anyway, Martin you said you wanted arson, wanna light this book on fire?

Martin K. Blackwood; YES

Tim Stoker: FUCK IT UP KING

Melanie King: that's what my mum said to me when I graduated highschool 

Melanie King: Actually it was more like 'you always fuck it up, king'

Sasha James: MELANIE

Gerry: Eyyyy mommy issues check

Martin K. Blackwood: is it really the archives without a little mommy issues? 

Melanie King: If you had good parents ur the weird one

Tim Stoker: Ah fuck lads guess I'm a bit queer then 😔

Martin K. Blackwood: 'a bit'.

Tim Stoker: I already said my parents are ur guys parents now shush

Sasha James: Mrs. And Mrs. Stoker adopt an entire archive 

Jonathan Sims: Your parents are rather pleasant, actually. How are they doing? 

Tim Stoker: Mama and Mum are doing fine, thanks for asking.

Tim Stoker: They want us all to come over soon but I'm trying to avoid it I know they have baby photos I know their plans

Sasha James: You say this like I won't just go visit them myself. Your parents love me.

Melanie King: I also want to see Tims baby photos that's prime blackmail material

Martin K. Blackwood: WEB KINNIE

Melanie King: BITCH

Boss: Please try to get work done I'm begging you. 

Gerry: No 

Boss: YOU DONT EVEN WORK HERE?

Gerry: No ♥️

Melanie King: lol

Boss: Understandable, have a miserable day.

Gerry: xx

Elias Bouchard Haters  
9:30 A.M.

Nikola: We Should Start A Band!

Annabelle: WE SHOULD!!!!!

Martin: Oh my god Sasha and I were just discussing this the other day

Tim: WE SHOULD!!!

Nikola: Thank You! Someone Finally Appreciates My Genius!

Daisy: A Band with you all sounds like it'd be hell. 

Melanie: Jon is making a face rn. 

Melanie: What do you have against bands, Jonathan?

Jon: Nothing. Just...music and Nikola is a bad mix.

Graham: Clownphobe. 

Jon: THATS NOT A REAL THING!! YOU ALL USE MUSIC TO KILL PEOPLE! IM ALLOWED TO HAVE CONCERNS! 

Danny: Fucking Clownphobia

Tim: Can't believe Jon's Clownphobic

Annabelle: Every day I wonder why I made this Groupchat.

Julia: Can't believe Jon has internalized Clownphobia.

Sasha: SKANSBWLmwkss

Gerry: Jon isn't a clown. He's a fool. 

Jon: I AM NOT A FOOL! DO I LOOK LIKE I WEAR A SILLY LITTLE HAT AND PRANCE ABOUT KN DEFIANCE OF GOD? NO! 

Sasha: 'IN DEFIANCE OF GOD' KING WHAT FOOLS HAVE YOU MET??

Martin: My lord, I am trying to thwart god but my hat is dummy thicc and the jingle of my bells keeps alerting the castle guard. 

M1CH43L: thhhAts a jESTer you p0ser. 

Annabelle: NO CLOWN DISCOURSE ON MAIN.

Daisy: FOOLS AND JESTERS ARE THE SAME THING

Jude: I hate this so much please shut up I'll destroy you all

Nikola: THEY ARE NOT!

Oliver: I wish that meteor had killed me. 

Basira: I'm so done with all of you 

Daisy: NIKOLA THEYRE THE SAME THING

M1CH43L: Th1s is f0ol erAshurE!

Gertrude: Maybe Elias should have killed me for real.

Gerry: Okay but they ARE different things.

Jon: STOP ENCOURAGING THEM!

Sasha: I need a snack this is killing me. 

Tim: Do mines count as clowns?

Danny: Yes.

Nikola; No! 

Graham: oh fuck tim what have you done????

Nikola: DANNY! They Are Not Clowns! Mimes Are Evil Creatures Who Must Be Destroyed!

Danny: THIS IS MIME DISCRIMINATION!

Basira: MIME DISCOURSE ON MAIN?!?!?

Jon: Stop I'm begging you please 

Gerry: the clowns are fiiiiiighting! 

M1CH43L: 1'm f33ling gReat :)

Sasha: This family sucks I hate it here

Martin: You do? 🥺

Sasha: I KNOW YOURE DOING IT ON PURPOSE MARTIN STOP I WONT FALL FOR IT!

Tim: that emoji,,, I'm weak

Julia: Simping on main? 🤢

Oliver: I hate this

Peter: Please will you all take this somewhere else?

Jared: No. 

Daisy: No fuck you Lukas and you're shitty landlord ritual having ass. 

Basira: Danny please stop typing I'm begging you let it go. 

Tim: Stoker's never let go. 

Sasha: Fucking hell. 

Gerry: Gertrude looks so disappointed right now, just sitting on her desk staring blankly at the wall.

Melanie: As she should. 

Georgie: Mel come watch a movie with me? 🥺

Melanie: Of course!!!!! Sorry guys I'm abandoning you to hell.

Sasha: Fair enough.

Nikola; Mimes Are The Bane Of My Existence! They Show Up In Their Stupid Striped Suits And Their Dumbass Monochrome Makeup And Just...Exist! They What? Stand Around In Little Fake Boxes And Look Shocked! There's No Wall There! You're Clearly Pretending! Pathetic! They're Faces Don't Even Look Convincing! All Sad And Grey And Boring! Where Are Your Colors, Huh? Where's The Magic? The Glamour? The Mystery? You Look Repulsive! Mimes Deserve Nothing But Misery With Their Stupid Little Routines And Bad Jokes! Fuck! I Hate Fucking Mimes! 

Graham: Then stop fucking mimes? 

Julia: GRAHAM NO!!!

Annabelle: Awful. Horrible. I hate that. 

Nikola; You're Next Graham! I'll Skin You!

Oliver: Nikola what the fuck why do you hate mimes so much what did they do to you?

Jon: Nik please-

Gerry: NIKOLA?!

Daisy: Wow Nikola really said No Mimes Allowed!

Basira: Banned for Mime Crimes. 

Sasha: I hate the discourse on this app I hate it so much.

Tim: You know what? She's right! Fuck mimes! 

Martin: A CALLOUT POST FOR MIMES?!

Annabelle: Blocking people in real life how to

Basira: Restraining order

Melanie: Stop spending time with them.

Georgie: Send a letter to their house as a block button. 

Jon: Murder them

Sasha: HELLO?

Gertrude: Jon's right. 

Julia: GERTRUDE?!

Martin: Fair enough. 

Jude: Mike LISTEN okay listen to me all I'm saying is the Corruption is the MOST fuckable entity. It's whole thing is complete and utter love??? What could possibly be more romantic?!

Graham: JUDE?!

Jude: Fuck wrong chat.

Oliver: WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE RIGHT CHAT?

Gerry: I hate that I know what chat she's talking about. 

M1CH43L: F1rst oF alL, JUd3, whaT thE fUck? 

Melanie: No we're not doing this again. Blocked.

Georgie: AGAIN?!?!

Mike: Jude why have you done this?

Nikola: What The Fuck. What The Fuck?!

M1CH43L: W3 shoUld kiLL el1as.

Jude: YES!!! WHAT XE SAID!!!

Gerry: JUDE DONT TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT! 

Danny: She's right and she should say it.

Jared: you all are aware that you cannot sleep with the abstract concept of fear, right? 

Simon: Actually

Daisy: No no no fuck that no block him now Annabelle I'm begging you

Peter: Let me leave this hellscape. 

Julia: I can see why Trevor left 

Basira: Hell. This is hell.

Sasha: Yeah 💜

Jon: I just wanted ice cream and I'm being harrased by the knowledge that my friends have considered being romantically involved with the actual concept of fear.

Gertrude; Annabelle Simon is typing again. 

Annabelle: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THIS OLD MAN??

Sasha: FRIENDS AS IN PLURAL? WHO ELSE HAS CONSIDERED THAT?!

Martin: WHOM?????

Daisy: I hate that so much Jon why'd you say plural???

Tim: DANNY?!?! 

Graham: I hate this fucking family.

Annabelle has kicked Simon from the chat. 

Julia: Oh thank god.

Basira: I can't handle this you all are driving me nuts.

Martin: Feel that 💜

Annabelle: I'm muting the chat I need a mental health break I can't listen to anymore mine discourse

Annabelle has muted the chat for six hours.   
Reason: I just wanted to hate Elias and you all seem determined to ruin my life. 

  
Fuck The Archive's Gang  
11:56 A.M.

Melanie King has added several others to the chat.

Melanie King has changed several nicknames. 

Nikola: You Are Part Of The Archive's Gang Melanie. 

Oliver: Fuck, is this about the pining? I am not meddling in anyone's love life again. 

Oliver: I hate love in all forms and especially whatever's going on with Danny and Simon 

Graham: IM RIGHT HERE???

Oliver: Not you babe

Gerry: Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up never mention that again  
  
Gerry: Why couldn't he have picked a hot avatar why did he go for fucking Simon fucking Fairchild

Micheal: mmmoney?

Graham: He's getting that purse.

Oliver: Graham. I am saying this lovingly, shut upppppp.

Nikola: This Is Cursed Already!

Annabelle: Srsly Simon isn't even the hottest Vast avatar.

Jude: Yeah, like Harriet is RIGHT THERE. 

Jane: He has bad taste 

Jane: But I was unaware there was pining in the archives? Discuss.

Georgie: Didn't Jon specially say not to meddle in his love live? Is this worth it? 

Melanie: You don't have to work with them, Georgie. 

Nikola: Are They That Bad? 

Daisy: yeah no I'm tapping out not doing this shit.

Daisy : I am not ur gal. 

Gerry: Wait Jon is pining??? For who???

M1CH43L: Love....

Melanie: And anyway I just want to rant were not actually meddling.

Graham; Aw :/

Oliver: What are they doing?

Melanie: Tim and Sasha have both come to me separately to gush about Jon. When I ask them to please just say something

Melanie: They say

Melanie: They'd never like me :( 

Melanie: And then 

Melanie: Cut to Jon in the Groupchat

Melanie: TALKING ABOUT HOW AMAZING AND CUTE HIS COWORKERS ARE 

Annabelle: Sounds like Sasha and Tim to me.

Melanie; And Martin has written like six poems and read them into a tape recorder and be thinks that closet is soundproof and it IS NOT. I love him but I hate poetry. 

Georgie: What I'm hearing is your coworkers are being emotional and you can't cope?

Melanie: I WANT TO WORK IN PEACE!!! I CANT STAND THE PINING!!!

Graham: Just lock them in a room together till they confess? 

Nikola: That's Creepy, Graham!

Oliver: Melanie I'm so sorry for you but literally none of us can help them if they don't want to.

Daisy: ^^^

Daisy: Just tell them that you don't want to hear about their pining. 

Daisy: I did it to Georgie and I don't regret it.

Basira: I still can't believe everyone in the archives is in love with each other. What kind of magic does that basement have?

Melanie: Wait you did what with Georgie?

Georgie: SHUSH SHUT UP DAISY

Gerry: Exposed.

Georgie: I'm recording! Shhh!

Georgie is offline. 

Annabelle: I love that. 

Annabelle: Melanie, stay strong Queen. I assure you they will not be pining for much longer. ::::)

Oliver: What

Oliver: What does that mean.

Melanie: Yeah, annabelle? What does THAT mean?

Nikola: Pfffft.

Annabelle: ::::)))))

Graham: Annabelle?

Avatars That Have Rights (And Elias)  
2:30 PM

Elias: This chat has been rather quiet as of late. Have you all finally decided to exercise some self control? 

Elias: Everyone?

Elias: Hmmmm. You all must be very busy. That is alright with me. Less distractions. 

Elias: ....

Elias: I did not want to talk to you all anyways. It's hardly worth my time. 

Plukas: Feeling Lonely, Elias? 

Elias: Piss off. 

Elias is offline. 

Death Is Impermanent   
7:34 P.M.

Agnes: How are things with everyone else?

Gerry: Jon and I just got back from a Lietner hunt. Caught a buried book and got to destroy it. Pretty good I'd say. 

Gertrude: Elias has been using the abandoned Groupchat to complain and it is immensely satisfying seeing that bastard suffer. 

Oliver: My boyfriend bought another bookshelf and I've been watching him put it together. 

Oliver: I offered to help but he refused. He has lost three screws and I am waiting to see if he'll notice. 

Oliver: I think I've been doing fine recently.

Oliver: Really wish I could sleep more. 

Agnes: Sounds lovely.

Agnes: I was thinking we all should have tea sometime. It's been awhile since I've seen you all on person.

Gerry: Great idea. I've been meaning to show you a few books I picked up recently...

Agnes: Normal books?

Gerry: Yeah, just a few old books I've bought. Great reads, I think you'd like them

Agnes: I'm excited :)

Gertrude: Does next Wednesday work for you, Agnes?

Agnes: Yes. Two o'clock like always?

Oliver: Let me check and see if I have space, but I'm willing to hang out. 

Gertrude: It's a date. 

Gerry: Now, one second, Micheal is eating a plate again. 

Oliver: Why does she keep doing that?

Gerry: They like the taste.

Gertrude: You know what? Valid. 

Agnes: Pfft, look at you using modern slang.

Gertrude: Is it so surprising?

Agnes: A bit.

Gertrude: That's not very poggers of you, Agnes. [Read 8:45 P.M.]

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway, eat something and take care of ur flesh suit <3


End file.
